You may not have noticed, but sometimes I have trouble with authority. Most recently this played out with my personal trainer where she said, come in twice before our next appointment-do these things or “you’ll be punished”. She couldn’t have been more playful when she said it.
I even wanted to come in. But I swear that phrase triggered me and my “fuck you shoes” were glued to the floor and I couldn’t go. I said about a thousand times, I need to go to the gym. I wanted to go. But I couldn’t get there. Why couldn’t I just get off my ass?
I felt weak and dumb. I didn’t feel like I was “rebelling”. I just felt like there was a force field between me and there. Like I couldn’t get there. I realized that between doing something or taking a punishment, I will take my autonomy and their punishment every time just because I can. To prove my freedom now.
But seriously, I’m 35. They aren’t going to get me anymore. Half of my brain knows that, if I hold my head to the side and smack it, will my lizard brain get it? It gets exhausting trying to prove myself to them, especially since they aren’t there anymore. And since what I was rebelling against was healthy for me and something I wanted.
This is one of the consequences of emotional and physical abuse. Now that the SCARY is internalized the problems with authority and internalized and I have to be at the gym in 42 minutes explaining how we’re going to have to come up with different language so that I can get my ass to the gym while I work on the cobwebs in this new dark corner that’s been lit up for me. And not feel like a jerk or a delicate flower or make her feel like a jerk.