I feel stunted, halted and blocked. The burning cinder block on my heart that I want to show you is harder to show you because it’s somebody’s current situation that is triggering my past (well, my entire life). And it’s a hard decision to write about it. Cause it’s about me, but it’s about them. But they read this and I’m putting their business on the internet…
Or I’m not and this firey cinderbock stays lit and burns a hole through my chest and my gut. I feel angry and I feel robbed and I feel hurt and I feel sorry and I want to help and I can’t and I am grieving so much.
The natural consequences of a life and a cycle can be so hard to watch. And mindfulness is so exhausting. And you can be learning to be mindful but still have done a lot of damage in the world and have a lot of karmic bills to pay, like I do.
Mather 10:29. “Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father.”
But they still fall to the ground. I don’t know why people do what they do. I know that people need community fiercely. What has to happen in a life or in a generation to make it so that staying in a cult is the right thing.
How can you hand over all of your self preservation? I know I was learning to. How can you hand over your children’s well being, your physical well being and your financial future. Then I look at the ways in which I am blind to my own situation and how I do the same thing. Goddamn cycles everywhere I look, and I have to break them all.
Will I get over this, ever? Seems like there are people I grew up with that seem so happy (on facebook) and I really hope they are. More than anything I hope they are. I hope they don’t feel the cellular level betrayal and abandonment that I do. The rage and the theft. OK, gotta take my brain pills and get ready for work so I can be happy.