A Lesson in How to be Cool

Step 1: Go grocery shopping alone.

Step 2: When people engage you in conversation in line, respond back and try to be nice

Step 3: realize they aren’t crazy people, but genuinely rad people

Step 4: think about how open and wonderful you are for talking to strangers

Step 5: engage the shopping clerk and the nice line people in sparkling conversation

Step 6: think about how you are a fabulous social hub

Step 7: pick up the plastic shopping bag with the sparkling apple juice

Step 8: don’t notice the bag has a hole in the bottom of it

Step 9: Try not to wince as the carbonated apple juice explodes as it hits the floor

Step 10: put the empty bag down

Step 11: look proud as they announce on the speaker “Clean Up in checkout”

Step 12: look proud as all the people you were talking to ask if you are ok

Step 13: look proud as you realize you are sticky up to your knees and covered in glass shards

Step 14: wait when they tell you to wait for the mop guy

Step 15: feebly attempt to look proud as you realize the puddle at your feet is getting really dark because of the old sneakers you are wearing

Step 16: try not to bolt as two mop guys show up and another runner guy shows up to get you another sparkling apple juice

Step 17: try to crack a joke by telling all the nice people who are now waiting as you become “that girl” that you just wanted to make sure the floor was clean for them.

Step 18: try not to melt into the floor as you almost slip in the leftover juice

Step 19: leave the store as soon as you are able

Step 20: sigh with relief as you are finally in your car

Step 21: try to get over your stickiness using brain power

Step 22: Failing that, suck it up and drive to the next errand

Step 23: be grateful that nobody at the next place was at the grocery store

Step 24: as soon as you are inside, try to pretend that your sugar coated sneakers aren’t going SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK with every step causing everyone you walk by to look at you

Step 25: Hope that at least this will make a good blog entry as you drink away your shame

Step 26: mmmm rum

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