So, I called my dad yesterday. I rarely call, because I like my distance.
I asked how he was doing. He said he was in a car accident the night before. Hit by a driver who ran a red light. His head hit the driver side window. He saw it coming and had then chance to slow down a little, it’s not bad, he’s fine. He was put in an ambulance and taken to the hospital, given an MRI and home in two hours which is pretty unheard of.
I told him a story about my friends and the birth of their second child and how there were some issues. I said I was grateful that if it had to happen that it was their second child because things are hard and scary enough with the first child. He made this joke, “And the second child is disposable…”
Of course, I’m the second child. Bwahahaha I have no worth or value. I’m angry because I didn’t say anything. I’m disappointed because I laughed along with him. I have known and not known for a long time that I am brainwashed around him. I have a lot of problems standing up to him, unless I feel in danger. This isn’t a huge deal or a new trauma, I just feel a little sad about it because I have always wanted him to love me in the way that I want him to love me. And he doesn’t. Sometimes the people that are genetically tasked to you are unable to fill your emotional needs. It’s like going to a Chinese restaurant and being disappointed every time they don’t have enchiladas. I need to stop going there.