Rage.
I have to say that I’ve done a lot of work to peel off the whys of abuse. I’ve walked many paths. I’ve marveled at so many people’s rage. I didn’t get it. Now I do. In the last month, starting in the middle of the road trip, I do.
Rage.
So many friends have had rage because they couldn’t protect me. I said it was fine. But from a different vantage, from this different angle, I see different pathways and how history that I thought I knew – form different pictures. I want to throw up.
Now I know more and can see patterns and history and a much larger picture is coming together. And this picture is not redeeming: I am learning how some families struggle with certain demons for generations.
The more I speak out, the more I can see back and am aware of what created the environment that makes a family susceptible to a cult. A family is taught shame and secrets. A family is taught that they are so flawed that there is no hope for them. I want to know where this dark mythology started in my blood.
I have deep compassion. But I have rage. Because these lies have scarred just about everybody I love. And now that I see the patterns, now that I am 3,000 miles away – I can see clearly.
Rage. It took a lot of therapy to find mine. And it was hard to name, but I drew a straight line to it in a cliche shower epiphany this morning. Now that I know it, I can’t unknow it. I’m straight up pissed off.
It’s not just why me and why my family. It’s why anyone. I want to start with me and mine. Only love and compassion will fight this. This is beyond morality and judgement, they doesn’t exist in this level. There is only love, non-judgement and compassion.
I have to dig deeper, ask questions, publicly gut myself and write about it. I have to be someone who sheds light and helps it stop.
