Here’s a new feeling

Rage.

I have to say that I’ve done a lot of work to peel off the whys of abuse.  I’ve walked many paths.  I’ve marveled at so many people’s rage.  I didn’t get it.  Now I do.  In the last month, starting in the middle of the road trip, I do.

Rage.

So many friends have had rage because they couldn’t protect me.  I said it was fine.  But from a different vantage, from this different angle, I see different pathways and how history that I thought I knew – form different pictures.  I want to throw up.

Now I know more and can see patterns and history and a much larger picture is coming together.  And this picture is not redeeming: I am learning how some families struggle with certain demons for generations.

The more I speak out, the more I can see back and am aware of what created the environment that makes a family susceptible to a cult.  A family is taught shame and secrets.  A family is taught that they are so flawed that there is no hope for them.  I want to know where this dark mythology started in my blood.

I have deep compassion.  But I have rage.  Because these lies have scarred just about everybody I love.  And now that I see the patterns, now that I am 3,000 miles away – I can see clearly.

Rage.  It took a lot of therapy to find mine.  And it was hard to name, but I drew a straight line to it in a cliche shower epiphany this morning.  Now that I know it, I can’t unknow it.  I’m straight up pissed off.

It’s not just why me and why my family.  It’s why anyone.  I want to start with me and mine.  Only love and compassion will fight this.  This is beyond morality and judgement, they doesn’t exist in this level.  There is only love, non-judgement and compassion.

I have to dig deeper, ask questions, publicly gut myself and write about it.  I have to be someone who sheds light and helps it stop.

Thar be pirates

Ye Swarthy Jack Asses

Ye Swarthy Jack Asses

A month ago we packed all of our belongings from Oakland, CA and set sail to Raleigh, NC.  OK well, we didn’t pack all of our belongings and we drove.  E was (appropriately) nervous about professional movers from the start.  He devised a system: we pack the stuff that we would be devastated if lost with us in the car. The stuff that it would be really bad we UPS’d to my brother who lives near our destination.  Everything else that is just stuff, even though we love it (like our bed and art, kitchen, most of our clothes, bikes, etc…) would be packed with the movers.  I thought this was a great idea.

I called many movers, I had a spreadsheet.  I filled out many online forms requesting online estimates.  I talked to many and gave inventories.  We researched: checked Yelp, the Department of Transportation, the Better Business Bureau.  It was thorough, thoroughly exhausting and thoroughly lame.  The one we chose specialized in cross country moves, so they had a good price for it.

I had a good rapport with the sales person and she said that since we had such a small space that a phone estimate would be fine.  I gave her an inventory of all of the stuff we had in our wee little studio.  She said that the 2,000 pound package should be fine. We did some more research, called her back and then signed up. The contract came with a free month of storage as well.

He and I purged some furniture and our bed frame as well as many books and clothes leading up to the move. We had so little, we knew that would make a difference. We wanted to come under the 2,000 and also we knew some of his furniture would serve his family better than it would serve us so we gave it to them. And the only furniture I have is a red dresser and a little table (less than 10 pounds).  We didn’t tell the movers we had less, since they were going to weigh everything and charge us if it was over-I didn’t think an itemized list mattered anymore. On 9/12/11, they arrived. As soon as the mover walked in he said it would be way over 2,000LBs.  doom

They loaded everything into a 16foot truck. Our goods took up half of it, or less. We had been told originally that we would need to pay 70% of the contract of at pickup. He said that since the amount weighed more that we should pay more and pressured me into signing a contract with a blank amount and walked away with a check from us for more than the original contract amount. Our stuff was on the truck and he told me that if I didn’t sign it he would be fired.   I hate that I caved in, but I was so tired and overwhelmed.  I still genuinely thought it would be sorted out properly when weighed.  Most of this stuff had previously fit in a 5×5 storage unit and been moved in a 10 foot truck.  Not a lot of stuff…

He said we would be called the next day with a weight and a new contract price. We then got in our car to drive across the country. He said they were supposed to do two more moves in that truck and then drive back to LA to weigh our items. When they called us on 9/14, the general manager told me that our items weighed 6,200 LBS and that our new remaining total was now $4377.00 more than we had already paid.  And that we needed to pay $2487.90 to complete the down payment for our stuff to even leave LA and we owe another $1709.10 once our items are delivered in North Carolina. I was in shock. He asked me over the phone what my plan was. I asked him what other clients did when this happened to them. He said he didn’t know. I said surely in his company’s history, this had happened before. What were his client’s options? He said I needed to come up with a plan to pay him. I said he needed to prove to me that my items weighed 6,200 pounds. I told him to email me a list of weights; I had to know what weighed so much. And since we were at this point driving through the desert of Nevada on fumes already stressed about running out of gas in the dark, I needed to see it in writing.

I emailed him back that I wanted them weighed again with a witness of mine there. He said he would reweigh it but never addressed that I wanted a witness. I called and he told me to pay him. I said he had to prove that my goods could weigh so much. I remembered that our goods were picked up in a 16 foot budget truck and I looked up the specs and saw that a 16 foot budget truck could only carry a max payload of 3,400 pounds. When I confronted him with that, he told me that it was a 24. It wasn’t. That wouldn’t have fit on my street and the lift that was on the back of that truck isn’t on the 24s. Now, they just refuse to return my calls. My message is the same. Prove to me that my items weigh that much. If you could weigh it once, you should be able to weigh it again with a witness. Or deliver my items for the amount of the original contract we signed. I opened a BBB complaint. They are supposedly working on it. However, we drove across the country for two weeks and now we have been living on the floor of a beautiful apartment in North Carolina for two and a half weeks. Thankfully we thought ahead and packed an air mattress.

There is no way we have three tons of stuff.  I called other moving companies and asked that if they were required to move 6,200 pounds of stuff how big of a space would you think I had?  I got one answer of a two bedroom house with a garage and another answer of a three bedroom house.  My sister in law found the bill of lading from her cross country move and their three bedroom place (with some pretty big furniture) and three kids and it was less than 6,000 pounds.

Since then we filed a complaint with the Department of Transportation and since they are so out of line, they are assigning us a hostage expert to investigate our case.

Now we blow up our air mattress every night, stretch in the morning and try to keep the process along.  We have a skillet and a sauce pan. We have our laptops and phones.  We have the things that we packed in case anything went wrong with the movers.  We have the cats.  I’ve had a couple job interviews and had to shop before each one.

It’s been exactly a month and we are still doing what we can do to get it back.  We shall see.

Pirates are dicks.

Demons are coming out to play

I moved away.  My therapist is 3,000 miles away and the demons are coming out to play.  Dissociation is rampant and the harpies are swirling, I am trying not to feel like I’ve fallen two years into the past.  I miss my therapist.  She would ask a question that would piss me off and then the world would reknit together in a new blanket that would carry me again.

Working with her was such a great experience.  I am struggling to find a therapist here who meets my criteria:  works with expressive arts, PTSD specialist, eating disorder specialist.  I am coming to terms with the sexual abuse I’ve dealt with: covert and overt so maybe that goes on the list.  But so many of the therapists here advertise as Christian and that really triggers me, since I am recovering from spiritual abuse at the hands of a Christian cult.

Sometimes I’m really glad that I have the luxury of not being a mom right now.  I mean, I’ve been pretty miserable to be around.  If I had kids it seems like it would be worse, I know it’s had an effect on E.  How would it effect kids?.  Or would I just get over it faster because there was stuff to do, put on some kind of mom game face?

I think a lot of it has to do with exhaustion from aches and physical pain, it’s been wearing me down…  Why does it hurt so bad?  Because we’ve been sleeping on an air mattress for the last two weeks since we got here.  Because our crap was hijacked by bastard pirates when we moved across the country.  Did I not mention that?

That deserves it’s own blog post.

3…2…1… Context

I’ve never really moved away before.  Being 3,000 miles away, I could be anyone now.  It’s been weird to be community-less.  The only social life I have right now is through my brother.  It’s oh so quiet.  I am used to the context of California, the sarcasm isn’t here.  When I met some neighbors, I made a joke that fell so flat I was just embarrassed.  I am very naked here.  Out of that context, I sound like, well, a bitch.

I have no inside jokes.  I think about how I always have introduced myself.  Now I think about how I want to introduce myself.  Do I want to be as “out” about my spiritual abuse in real life now that I’m in the bible belt?  Do I want to be the queer sparkle on the bible belt buckle?  I can define myself in any way.  So now that I’m here, what do I want?

But I realize, the gift in this is that I’ve been here before.  When I left the cult, I had little cultural reference.  In California, I still missed things because I was in a bubble and I had no reference point.  Maybe it’s all the same only more humid and with a funny accent.  I’ll need to think about it some more.

ever since June 3rd

I’ve had an email in my inbox that I’m terrified to read.  Turns out I’m not the only one who writes about the pain of the church.  One of the other people wrote their story and emailed it to me.  And I’m totally gonna read it.  But I’m scared.

I guess, I feel that their pain will be more real if I read it.  Maybe, it’s easier to think that it’s easier to contain if I’m the only one talking.  Maybe it’s cause I’m a Leo.

A double click will keep my commitment.  I feel like such a hypocrite, publishing tomes of my memories and not being able to read theirs.  But when I was showering, I thought about something else.  It’s bigger than me.  I think that reading their story will make mine times two. And open an exponential door into a monstrous house of pain.

If I hurt this much and they hurt this much – and there were 40 families.  That’s just too much.  It’s too big.  I feel like it’s opening the front cover of a really big book.

I also feel like this whole thing is a mystery.  I hear so many stories about how the church ended, how it crumbled.  But I don’t know 100% because I’m the one who walked away.  I got disowned by my family and excommunicated, yes I engineered it.  And yes that played a big part in exposing a lot of the BS going on.  But I’ve learned there were so many other factors at play.

So, after walking away from rubble it’s scary to walk back in and excavate and see what really went down and what the damage was.

But, dang I feel like a hypocrite for not being able to read that email.

outside talking to the outside looking inside

Recently, I had a phone conversation with somebody who is the best friend of one of the people from the church.  (You found my blog online.  Now you are in it… Hope you don’t mind…)

But she’s been friends with the woman from the church since before the church.  And she knew all of these things that had happened.  She knew people, names, had socialized with some of us.  She knew my mom.  I heard what it was like for her to be the best friend of someone in a cult.

How scary, it must have been for her.  She walked a delicate balance because she didn’t want to drive her friend away.  She was a delicate anchor.

It made me think of the person I met before I left the church who told me that what I was experiencing might be abuse.  She was very gentle.  She knew that if she came at me passionately that I was freak out and shut down and run away.  I am forever grateful for her intuition that helped me find a way out of the church.

It was amazing to hear her talk about it.  Validating in a lot of ways, because what happened was so weird.  And sometimes it feels like a bizarre dream that took up the first half of my life and haunts the second half.  She talked about the cult de sac where so many people from the church lived and how some realtor listed it as hot property because it always sold so fast.  They didn’t know all of the demand was driven  by a cult trying to buy into the same area, and that once the church was gone the demand dried up as the families dispersed.

She talked about one of the women in the church, who has a very special place in my heart.  But she saw a completely opposite side of her.  And of course she would.  Because she doesn’t know that that woman was my very first dance teacher when I was five years old and she’s the one that gave me the keys to my soul’s freedom.  She was also my brother’s first art teacher and although the Army crushed my brother’s arm, he’s still an amazing artist.

There was anger in her voice and that made sense too.  The same anger that is in the voice of a lot of my friends.  The anger of “WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO SOMEONE I LOVE”.

It was a good talk.  It was a hard talk.  I was proud of myself because when it got too triggery, I set a boundery and we moved on.  That for me is progress.   But, it really opened my eyes to the damage of the church.  The friends and family that were cut off from loved ones because of this cult.  Because of the spiritual abuse and the forced isolation.

I still have so much trouble reaching out to my blood family, because I see them as a them and not a me.  I am trying so hard to change that in me.  That and something called ambivalent attachment disorder, which is something you get when the people who are supposed to keep you safe do so only some of the time so it’s not reliable.

way back machine 2

Setting:  I’m 14.  We are in the pastor’s office.  He is in his big chair.  I am on the couch.  I was in trouble because it was found out that I hugged a boy that I was in a play with.

Pastor: So tell me what happened.

Teen Feisty: I saw C after rehearsal and he said, “give me a hug” and I did.

Pastor: That’s it?

Teen Feisty: yes.

Pastor: So, if any guy asks you for any sexual favor you give it to him?

Teen Feisty: What?

Pastor: He demanded a hug.

Teen Feisty: Well, he said it casually.

Pastor: And you gave it to him?

Teen Feisty: Well, yes.

Pastor: And that seems ok to you?

Teen Feisty: yes.  We all hug all the time.

Pastor: He’s different, he’s worldly.  When we hug it’s because of our love of each other and God.

Teen Feisty: Everyone there knows me and wouldn’t hurt me.

Pastor: A hug can be a sexual act.  Think about it, Suzi.  Your breasts were on his chest.  Your breasts were on his chest.  What did it feel like with your breasts on his chest?  Did it feel good?  Did you feel like a woman?

Teen Feisty: I didn’t think about it that way.

Pastor: What did it feel like?

Teen Feisty: Just a hug.

Pastor: You are getting big breasts, and every man that wants to hug you is going to want to feel them.

Teen Feisty:  What?

Pastor: You are not to talk to him again.

Teen Feisty: We’re friends!

Pastor: Better to lose a friend now than to be found unworthy later.

way back machine

The setting:  I am 11 and I had a rash or something on my thigh.  Our pastor wanted to look at it because he had medical training and it probably didn’t need a doctor’s visit.  I am in the pastors big leather chair wearing a shirt and my underwear and a towel over my underwear.

Pastor: OK, let’s see the rash

(I show him and am careful to keep as much as possible covered because it’s at the top of my inner thigh.  I am really scared.)

Pastor: Hmmmmm.  It doesn’t look too bad.  Is it itchy?

Little Feisty: yeah.

Pastor: WHAT?

Little Feisty: Yes.  Sorry, Sir. Yes.

Pastor: It’s probably from your tights and dancing.  Do you wash them?

Little Feisty: yes

Pastor: Are you clean down there?

Little Feisty: What?

Pastor: Show me how you wipe after you go to the bathroom.

Little Feisty: um….

Pastor: You can show me over the towel.

(I pantomime for him, and it feels awful)

Pastor: OK good, that shouldn’t cause a rash.

Little Feisty: ok

Pastor: You might need to dance without tights for a while and I’ll have your mom sit you in an oatmeal bath.

Little Feisty: ok

Pastor: We need to have a talk.

Little Feisty: About what?

Pastor: Well, you’re in the older school with the older kids.

Little Feisty: yes

Pastor: And you’re the youngest.

Little Feisty: yes (I was very self conscious about being in my underwear and a towel)

Pastor: Do you like any of the boys?

Little Feisty: What?

Pastor: Do you think any of them are handsome?

Little Feisty: (I was silent for a long time, because I had two crushes and I was not sure where this was headed, but I had to come clean once I was asked) yes

Pastor: who?

Little Feisty:   J & B

Pastor: What does it feel like?

Little Feisty: What do you mean?

Pastor: What does it feel like when you are around them?

Little Feisty: I feel happy.

Pastor: What else?

Little Feisty: um…

Pastor: Do you feel it physically?

Little Feisty: I guess?

Pastor: where?

Little Feisty: um…. well (and I started to cry) I feel something in my vagina a little bit.

Pastor: What does it feel like?

Little Feisty: A little warm and tingly.

Pastor: And do you masturbate and think about them?

Little Feisty: NO

Pastor: you don’t?

Little Feisty: no

Pastor: You need to be very careful, you are growing up.  And getting toward a dangerous age.  Masturbation is a terrible sin.

Little Feisty: I don’t do it.  I know it’s a sin and I never have.

Pastor: I’m going to go talk to your mom, put on your pants.

Little Feisty:  ok

Then we went home.

OMG TMI

“Really, Suzi?  Wow.”

I’ve heard it a million times.

TMI!!!

I thought of this when I was blogging yesterday about what do you tell a client about PTSD.  What do you have to tell a client or a boss about a trauma, a disorder or a mental illness?  I don’t know.  Mine makes me kinda flippy outty and tactless and times.  There’s the crying.  People kind of notice.  There’s the good days where I’m not triggered.  Or the OK days where I can bottle it down into a nice little coal in my gullet.

But gullet coals aside…  Why the oversharing?  Why the saying too much?  It’s been hard on relationships because I’ll be out to dinner and the start a relationship with…”so the other day in bed…”  Keeping it classy.

So, I was thinking about it, and talking (too much jk) about it.  And then I went to therapy and danced and screamed about it, and it hit me.  Not literally.   But the cult maintained control over us by brainwashing us into over-confessing everything.  We were trained to tell every thought and every feeling, or we would feel awful-nauseous.  If we ever saw someone from the church and had a bad thought about them and didn’t tell them, it was a sin and we had to tell them before the next communion or it was like the sin was locked in forever.

By making us a self policing congregation it really cut down on enforcement.  Which is actually good business automation practice if you think about it-but back to the cult…

So, I am in pain if I allow myself privacy.  I feel like I am lying to you if I know something that I haven’t told you.  It’s misery.  And if you confess before something gets found out the punishment is somewhat lessened.  There is a constant paranoia scan in my head that is looking for wrongs committed…

So, this over-confessing still makes sense.  I’ve adapted it a little.  In the past few years, Ive been more jokey about it so that I can still make sure that I’ve said everything but in a jokey way so that I don’t get looked at like I’m a martian all the time.

I’m practicing privacy now.  Which is one of the reasons I’ve been so silent on the blog.  I’ve been evaluating again: what do I want to say?  Why do I want to say it?  What do I want to get out of this?

And so I don’t know that I know what I want.  But I know I have more to say.  And this is my forum.

everybody limbo

I’ve been enjoying contracting.  I’ve picked up clients and done a lot of work.  Since prioritizing recovery from my PTSD and trying to knit my brain back together from the nervous breakdown it’s been a hard path.  What do you share with a client?  I am much more fragile than I used to be.  But also stronger now that I am sober.  Sobriety is stupid because I feel a lot more feelings, but apparently that’s part of the point of it.

 

My contracts have been on average four months.  And that seems to be the lifespan for what I can handle right now.  I have told some clients about the PTSD and it has backfired horribly, others I didn’t and it wasn’t an issue.  With one boss, who had anger issues (probably because of his cocaine issue) I left the contract because I was horribly triggered when he flew into a rage and slammed his hand on the desk.  The sound of his hand on the wood desk was exactly the sound that it would make when a oak rod would hit someone.  I winced and started to have a panic attack and never came back.  Horribly unprofessional: on both of our parts.  But you know what…  I couldn’t see, I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was going to die.  I went home with every intention of coming back the next day.  But I couldn’t get out of bed for three days.  My body would not let me go back.

 

Another client and I worked together really well.  He spoke so conceptually, and I am so literal.  He told me that he thought I was autistic.  I told him I wasn’t.  “He said, well there’s something wrong with you.  English can’t be your first language.”  And I realized that I was so sheltered by my cult growing up and we definitely had our own culture.  After that, I was with my friends and it was such an eclectic group that I was just accepted.  From there I went into IT, and well, weird just happens there.  In a lot of ways, I feel like I’m in the world for the first time without a massive support system and there are all of these people commenting on me and it’s vulnerable out here.  I am so grateful for E and my scaled down support system.

The gig I have now is hard and very much in limbo.  It’s not in limbo because of me there are just changes going on and a lot of stress.  I kind of wish it was about me.  But it’s not.  I am dealing with some politics and some people’s fear.  It seems like we’re waiting.  And I hate limbo.  Because limbo is the part where you wait and you fear.  It’s an uneasy, wait till dad gets home, kinda feeling.  And there is tension.

It’s hard being a cog in the wheel, after you’ve been the driver.  Because I used to have the map and make decisions.  I think that feeling of control really helped manage my PTSD.  But since I’m not prioritizing my career now and I’m prioritizing my recovery and my love life, I am sitting back and dealing with the other side of those issues.  And it’s really really uncomfortable.

I hate waiting.