Tag Archives: body

Repost: from AskMoxie.com

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I’ve been reposting a lot lately, maybe I don’t have anything original to say.  I have been in such a funk that I am looking outside for things that will give me more resources.  I feel very depleted.  I am seriously facing down some demons right now (I never asked for any of my exorcisms but maybe I could use one now).  There has been a lot about rape in the news lately, which is good.  It needs to be talked about.  We very much live in a rape culture and having been through three sexual assault experiences, the conversation, although good is – very triggering for me. I suspect many others are feeling the same way.

Read this, seriously.  A Letter To My Sons About Stopping Rape

When I was younger the forms of defense I remember being taught were these: scream, pray, tell them you are Christian, show them your wedding ring if you are married, wear a whistle, etc.  I remember being told that people did it when possessed and that praying in tongues and trying to cast out the demons would be a good way.  And to stay out of alleys.

We have to teach all children that they get to have and need to respect other people’s boundaries.  We have to teach that no and stop are sacred words.  We need to teach them that if someone is too altered to say yes, that is an automatic no.  We need to tell them to honor themselves and others and to bring that mindfulness into their social circles.  We have to model good boundaries too, having them hug and kiss people they don’t want to is an awful thing.  They should be taught to trust their intuition and physical boundaries.

hyperarousal – day 4

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Not as sexy as it sounds.

So many aspects of my life have come together to create my emotional state.

Jumpy

Fearful

Super sensitive to noise-especially sudden noise

Trembling

Loss of hope for future

Worn out and exhausted

Productive because my tunnel vision has to go somewhere.  glad it’s productive today.

I was going through an old notebook and I found the table of contents for my book.  I’ve been so busy trying to survive in the last few years, that I’ve really neglected that part.

Right now, I just feel like a mass of inadequate treading through a murky swamp of failure.

But, it’ll be fine.

15 signs that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship

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In starting to think more about emotional abuse, I came across this article. I’ve been through many types of abuse in the past.  It all starts with emotional abuse.  I am grateful that my last relationship with E didn’t have these elements, in fact that relationship was really healing and helped me in a lot of ways.

Although this article assumes that a male is the abuser, it is not a gender specific problem.

15 Signs You’re in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship – by Aunt Becky

Emotional abuse, while it leaves no marks, can sometimes be the hardest type of abuse to understand in a relationship. It’s hard to imagine that someone who “loves you” could abuse you — and besides, it’s just words, right? It’s not like you’re being BEATEN.

Sad truth is, while broken bones heal, the wounds left from emotional abuse can last a lifetime.

Emotional abuse is a form of abuse in which a partner uses verbal assault, fear, or humiliation to undermine the other person’s self-esteem and self-worth. Emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse.

Here are some signs you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship:

1) You’re afraid to tell your partner about a normal happening – your car needs brakes, your boss made you work overtime – because you’re not sure how he will react.

2) When you do talk to your significant other, he puts you down and makes you feel stupid.

3) You make yourself available to your partner no matter what the personal cost – just to avoid a confrontation.

4) You no longer want to bring your significant other around your friends or family because you’re afraid he will berate you and humiliate you in front of your loved ones.

5) You’ve begun to believe that you’re the crazy one — that you’re the one with the problem.

6) When talking about an accomplishment – a promotion or something equally exciting – your partner sneers at you, putting you down, mocking your achievement rather than celebrating it.

7) You feel helpless, like you’re trapped in the relationship.

8) Your partner treats you like an object, like property, not like a person with real feelings.

9) Your partner keeps a tight control on all things: money, the phone, using the car, who you see and what you do.

10) If you fight back, your significant other blames you for the abusive behavior. “If you weren’t so dumb, I wouldn’t have to yell at you.”

11) You’ve begun to see yourself as worthless — just like your partner tells you you are.

12) You’ll go out of your way to please your significant other, no matter how much you have to sacrifice. If that means staying up all night to wash the floor, so be it. It beats the “lecture.”

13) You’re in complete isolation. Your partner doesn’t want you around your friends or family and has convinced you that THEY are the ones who are abusive to you – not him.

14) You’ve begun to feel as though you deserve to be treated badly. If you were a better person, you wouldn’t make him so mad!

15) You find yourself having to rush to his defense whenever he is brought up in conversation. You make excuses for his behavior regardless of the situation.

If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship or even if you think you’re being abused but it’s “not bad enough” to do anything about it, remember: it is. No one deserves to be treated this way, and everyone is worthy of respect. Even you.

Emotional Abuse Checklist: Are You Being Emotionally Abused?

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Abuse is a cycle.  Many times victims become abusers and abusers become victims. Children who are powerless while being abused, learn that abuse is how you get power and control and adopt those behaviors.

Emotional abuse was not an element in my last relationship and it was interesting and difficult to see how I expected abuse and would still play the part of a victim in my head.

I found this great article on it.

Emotional Abuse Checklist: Are You Being Emotionally Abused?  by Cathy Meyer  

What is emotional abuse?

There is no universally accepted definition of emotional abuse. Like other forms of violence in relationships, emotional abuse is based on power and control. The following are widely recognized as forms of emotional abuse: Your spouse…

  • Frequently blames or criticizes you
  • Calls you names
  • Ridicules your beliefs, religion, race class or sexual preference
  • Blames you for “causing” the abuse
  • Ridicules/makes bad remarks about your gender
  • Criticizes or threatens to hurt your family or friends
  • Isolates you from your family and friends
  • Abuses animals
  • Tries to keep you from doing something you wanted to do
  • Is angry if you pay too much attention to someone or something else (children, friends, school, etc.)
  • Withholds approval, appreciation or affection
  • Humiliates you
  • Becomes angry if meals or housework are not done to his/her liking
  • Makes contradictory demands
  • Does not include you in important decisions
  • Does not allow you to sleep
  • Repeatedly harasses you about things you did in the past
  • Takes away car keys, money or credit cards
  • Threatens to leave or told you to leave.
  • Checks up on you (listens to your phone calls, looks at phone bills, checks the mileage on the car, etc.)
  • Tells people you suffer from a mental illness
  • Threatens to commit suicide
  • Interferes with your work or school (provokes a fight in the morning, calls to harass you at work, etc.)
  • Minimizes or denies being abusive
  • Abuses your children
  • Breaks dates and cancels plans without reason
  • Uses drugs or alcohol to excuse their behavior
  • Uses phrases like “I’ll show you who is boss,” or ”I’ll put you in line”
  • Uses loud or intimidating tone of voice
  • Comes home at late hours refusing an explanation

Emotional abuse can have serious physical and psychological consequences for women, including severe depression, anxiety, persistent headaches, back and limb problems, and stomach problems. If you are concerned about the abuse level you are experiencing, please call 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).

Am I Being Emotionally Abused – 6 Signs the Answer Could Be Yes

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I am analyzing patterns from my life.  And realizing that I am so used to emotional abuse that I can bring the habits of the abuse victim into relationships.  So I am studying emotional abuse, I hope to be able to recognize better when I am in a victim cycle.  Ever deal with a beaten dog, you raise your voice or make a gesture with your arm and they expect harm.  In a lot of ways, I do that.  Always expect to be harmed, even when it’s not coming.  This is a really difficult part of my PTSD, trying to break the symptoms of hyper vigilance and hyper arousal.

In my research, I found this great article.

Am I Being Emotionally Abused – 6 Signs the Answer Could Be Yes

By

Relationships have challenges and require work and effort on the part of both partners. However, there are instances where the dynamic within the relationship is unhealthy, and one or both partners are behaving consistently in patterns that attempt to control and emotionally wound the other person. If you are feeling inferior, incompetent, and even crazy around your partner much of the time, this merits a closer look into the way your partner is treating you. Here are 6 signs that you may be involved in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship:

1. Your partner puts you down. This activity may occur in public or in private, and may consist of swearing and/or name calling. More subtle criticisms may be expressed, such as disapproval of the way you do things, who you are as a human being, or even your level of mental health. In general, your partner presents him or herself as knowing the “right” way to do things, and refuses to take responsibility for mistakes or wrongdoing, preferring to make it your fault, or a character flaw in you.

2. Your partner does not want you to have access to work and educational opportunities, discouraging you from activities that would ensure your independence from your partner.

3. Your partner attempts to wield control your daily activities. You may feel as if you must make report and defend or justify the way you spend your time during the day. You may even find yourself choosing activities you know your partner will approve of, just to avoid an unpleasant battle later.

4. Your partner manipulates or controls you using sex. Rather than an expression of love, comfort, or passion between you, your partner either demands physical affection and satisfaction, regardless of your preferences, or deliberately withholds affection and intimacy from you. In both instances, your partner is using sex to control you and keep you subject to his or her whim.

5. Your partner tries to limit your time spent with outside family and friends. He or she may prohibit you from seeing certain people, or you may hear manipulative statements such as, “I can’t believe you would choose to go to dinner with him over dinner with me.” This tactic accomplishes a couple things for the emotional abuser. It asserts your partner’s control over you, and it also isolates you. When your time is limited with loved ones, their affirming, positive messages about you, as well as any criticism they may have about your partner, is also limited. It helps keep you firmly planted in the world your partner is creating for you.

6. Your partner suggests that there will be consequences for not obeying or complying with his or her demands. This may be peppered with occasional generous or kind behaviors, but these are generally strategic attempts to draw you back in to the relationship if it appears you may be pulling away. As soon as you are back under control, the emotionally and psychologically abusive behavior starts again.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1928876

Sad Kid

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There’s a really cute picture of me when I am five.  Recently, someone looked at it and said that my smile looked fake and my eyes looked sad.  I have looked at that picture many times since then and it has brought back a lot of memories.  I was abused in a lot of ways, but emotional abuse is always at the core.  I wish I could have helped restore that girl’s trust, but it was broken so many times.

Evident Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abused Child What to Look for when You Feel a Child is Being Abused, Emotionally
by Viktorya Hale

The silent abuse… There are no physical bruises or scars. The pain is hidden deep into the heart and soul, where no one can see. Emotional abuse can only be felt. When we have love for people, especially children, we automatically want to help heal any pain. I am blessed with one thing, for sure. That is the ability to see pain through the eyes of the hurting.

I wanted to share some signs that you could look for if you suspect that a child is being emotionally abused. Just so you know, I am a counselor in training. I am working towards a Bachelors in Psychology, but I am no counselor as of yet. What I share are my own experiences and observations.

The first thing that an emotionally abused child has lost is trust. What happens is as a baby, a child learns to trust their care takers. They have no choice, because they are born to be nurtured therefore they need to have trust. Over a period of time when a child is being torn down emotionally, they begin losing trust. When this happens, they bottle up and become distant. You may find that an emotionally abused child is distant and not very trusting of you. They won’t easily talk to you or they will put up a guard in efforts to “protect” them self. Until that trust is built back up (by you) they will never trust you, even if you have done nothing to abuse that trust. They had it once and lost it… it is up to us to find it again.

An emotionally abused child is bitter and cold. If they aren’t sad, they are snippy. An emotionally abused child may have constant mood swings from sadness to anger. They won’t show emotion for others who may be sad or hurting. For example, if another child gets hurt, they won’t show emotion or care towards them. It’s as if they have completely shut down their emotions to those around them.

Emotional abuse is the core for all abuse. There are many things that are involved in emotional abuse. Some examples are inconsistent tendencies, cruel behaviors towards others, being ignored or rejected. A lot of times these may come across as insignificant behaviors, but these are signs of an emotionally abusive situation.

A child needs constant nurturing in order for them to strive. It is an essential part of their development. They need it to build confidence and esteem. If they are ignored or rejected, they are being deprived of a necessity and therefore being abused. This is all too prevalent in today’s society.

There is a sad reality in how an emotionally abused child is cared for in today’s world. The simple fact is that they are not. Unfortunately, a child who isn’t physically abused cannot find help through intervention, like CPS. Often times the children are left in this living environment and they grow up, suffering from emotional neglect and abuse.

We can be a light for them by gaining their trust, listening to them and making them feel like they are worthy. It make take time, but sometimes we are their only hope. Look for the sad and lonely or stand-offish child. Most likely they are being emotionally abused or neglected. Sometimes it just takes a hug or smile to make their day.

I see it right in my own neighborhood that there are children who are constantly neglected by their parents. They are brought down to feel low, they are cursed at and always rejected. The cycle continues and parents don’t realize that they need to be the one to break that cycle. We cannot take our own hurts and pain and pass them down to our children.

Emotional abuse hurts deep within, causes pain, bitterness, strife and is detrimental to our children who should be loved and nurtured on a day to day basis. Let’s do our part and love a child who may be hurting today.

Lost Sister

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I miss you.  You were fleet and your blonde hair streamed behind you, an amazing runner.  I remember hanging out in your backyard and in your garage talking about how you were going to be in the Olympics and I was going to be on Broadway.  We worked for hours one day trying to get the words for Supersonic right.

“You see, the ‘S’ is for super and the ‘U’ is for unique The ‘P’ is for perfection and you know that we are freaks The ‘E’ is for exotic and the ‘R’ is for raps So tell those nosy people just to stay the hell back.”  We would of course say heck and I don’t know how we got access to that song.

You had the corniest sense of humor and would slay me.  You knew when to be quiet and I envied that.  You laughed at me when I tried to run and I laughed at you when you danced.

I wouldn’t laugh now.  Now that I have danced in so many other ways beside competitive and technical, I understand that each body dances its’ soul’s expression and sometimes the people who are trained dancers are the farthest away from their soul.  Or maybe that was just me, I was so repressed, that I was shut off from my soul and although I danced well, it was empty.  My mind and soul were completely disassociated from my body.

But running grounded you, you needed to be free.  When you ran, you got the moments of peace, rhythm and silence that you needed so much.

I left you when I left the church.

You found my number once and called me.  Told me bad news and horrible things, your world was the same except worse and mine was getting better, so I thought.  I tried to comfort you.

The other sisters from that broken family have been found, but I can’t find you.

Where are you?

I miss you terribly and love you so dearly, no matter what the years have done.  I’ve had years too.

Love you,

Suzi

next

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I’m trying to make peace with and space for my gray area.  I’m trying to figure out what to do and where to go next and how to pay for it.  Life wasn’t easier when there was a rule for everything, but it was more clear.

I’m trying to figure out how to live well and work on the things that I need to and stay consistent.

Right now the focus is money and weight management.  I have plans and goals for working on both and I hope it works.  But I feel really wonky and depressed.  It could be the detox, it could be the impending hormonal fluctuation, it could also be that I am living with someone I love dearly and am separating from.

I really don’t want to separate, but it’s the right thing for now.  No matter what happens with this dear relationship, I still want to grow and be self sustaining.  I am so grateful that I had the huge gift of being with someone who supported me in a lot of ways, while I was going through a pivotal reconnoitering.  His emotional, mental and financial generosity has been a deep well and I have to learn how to stand on my two feet again.

I feel like the biggest fool and ingrate in so many ways, I think that standing on my own two feet is the right thing no matter what.  I regret that I felt that I had to be alone to do it.  But, that is my journey as what happens next happens.

 

Reflection and Hope

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I hope that 2012 has been kind to some.  For me, it was a difficult year.  2012 was also a year of tremendous learning, but as one of my best friends says… “Education isn’t cheap, you get it one way or the other”.

So, goodbye 2012, I don’t think I’m going to miss you.  It’s been a year of: reconnection with family, new friends, the sweetest love and saddest loss, many births and deaths and broken hearts.

I feel like I have a clear path of intent for 2013, not that I expect it to go according to plan.  But, if I get my way…  I will get a chance to work on a lot of the issues that I have been accepting and that I would really love to grow up around.

It makes sense that I would have a lot of the issues that I have especially since I grew up as I did.  I have this sneaky side to me and it comes from not being able to have privacy and living in a cult(ure) of exposure, public humiliation and forced confession.  Sometimes I feel that to have something of my own, I need to hide it.

This sneaky behavior shows up for me in food, drink, money, sex, in just about every aspect of my life.  It has affected every relationship that I have been in.  I don’t want to have this anymore.  I want to be as trustworthy as I tell myself that I am.  These ghosts that I carry in my heart and memory still harm my life, since I was programmed to give everything away.

I need to able to have boundaries and be able to move past these habits and the really destructive consequences of them.  That is my hope.  By going really deep inside, I hope that I will find the balance and healing, so that these issues can be resolved.

Clothes and memories

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I’m sure it’s not just me, but when some life changing events happen, I associate the clothes I was wearing with the event.  Going through my wardrobe can be like going through a photo album.

Here is my suit that nobody says no to me in.

Here is the dress that I went on the world’s most perfect and romantic date in.  That dress has been worn since, but it belongs to that perfect moment in time.

Destroyed is the outfit that I was assaulted in.  I tried to reclaim it to make it powerful to me again.  But the most powerful thing to do was to destroy it.  No need to relive that moment when I don’t have to.  It shows up in my mind a lot, it doesn’t need to show up in my laundry.

Suit I wore when first taking the microphone and doing public speaking.

The outfit I wore at the beginning of the last time we made love.

Somethings will always stay in my mind.  Bitter and sweet.  Joyful and mourning.