I had wanted a pair for so long, but they didn’t make them in my size. I was devastated, I would try the boots on and they wouldn’t zip up. I had been losing weight for a while and was averaging about 5 pounds a month for 18 months straight. It was about to be my 30th birthday. I was having a huge birthday party at my house. We had rented a pool table for the kitchen, a foosball table for the living room, a stand-up Galaga, our swimming pool was ready to go, the barbecue was gassed up and the piñata was full and ready to have the crap beaten out of it.
A few days before my birthday, my BFF A and her husband M had purchased me a birthday present. I couldn’t wait, and we opened it together.
It was like slipping my legs into shiny sexy candy. I was so excited, I had been losing so much weight and hadn’t tried a pair on in a while. They zipped almost all of the way up. I was so sad, but they WERE SO CLOSE, I had to keep them. A said that I was losing weight so fast let’s just hold on to them for a while. I loved them…
The day of my birthday I was nervous to put them on. A came over early and helped me and my partner (now ex) get ready for the party. We tried on the boots again, and I couldn’t believe it. On my 30thbirthday, they zipped up, all the way up. And I strutted around for hours, so excited! I called up her husband M, and said… “THEY FIT, THEY FIT! Thank you, it’s a birthday miracle”. And my dear friend M, said in a way that only he can…. “It’s like the baby Jesus killed your fatted calves for your birthday.” I laughed so hard that I cried.
I have had many pairs of boots since then, but these my first will always be my favorites. I laid them to rest this year because they had seen about 10 parties too many. But they are immortalized in my heart and on the web.
RIP Pink Boots.
I know a thing or two about a thing or two. And this blog is the start of a vision, the continuance of a journey, and the closing of a book. I, like every other human on this planet, have been on a journey and I want to write it out. I am starting to braid together all the pieces of my fragmented self. Because I have suffered from fragmenting my world. How do I explain?
I felt like I had to separate all of the parts of me… How can I be an award winning business owner and a sexual being? How can I be a public speaker who has the ability to lift up and inspire when I was denying core parts of my heart? How can I be a survivor of horrific physical, psychological and emotional abuse and try to connect and be a healthy functioning member of society? How can I have gone from an award-winning dancer and dance teacher to 265+ pounds and down again? How can I have an eating disorder and throw large fundraisers around chocolate? How can I be a spiritual being and a party girl? I don’t know, but I am.
There are so many parts of me that contradict. And trying to segment them all led me to the second largest breakdown and reincarnation in my life: the first happened at 17 when I was disowned, and the second happened right before I turned 34. Now, at 34 I am willing to look at my past, present, and future and to braid together and accept all of the parts of me that I have tried to protect myself from.
The more I talk, the more I connect and the less I feel alone in my path. Because I have realized, that there are so many others that are fighting for their paths, step by step. Others who are surviving and making beautiful, abundant lives out of their exuberant, confusing and painful paths as well.
So this is my story, I am still writing it because I’m not dead yet. Oh, and I really like boots and shoes, but more about that later, we’ve got time.