the last few moments of his life

When my dad proposed to my mom, he didn’t have a ring.  He took the top off a soda can and dropped to his knee and asked for her hand.  She wore the pull tab from the soda can and then dad got her a ring.

On March 25, 2013 my dad died.  He was alone.  Mom went to work and then a prayer meeting.  When she came home she found him on the floor dead.  She was confused and tried to wake him.  Eventually, she called 911 and they dispatched EMTs.  They used a difibrulator on him.  An EMT said, “he’s gone”.  That’s when it hit her, sort of.  This romantic dreamer of hers was gone.

She called me while the EMTs were still at the house.  It was 2:30am for me on the east coast and 11:30pm her time.  I was sleeping and my ringer was off.  I sat up wide awake and looked at my phone.  I had missed her call one minute before.  When I called back she said, “Suzi, dad’s dead”.  “OK”  It wasn’t a shock, I mean it was and it wasn’t.  When I was growing up the pastor would tell me that my dad was so fat that he would drop dead from a heart attack at any time.  When I would cuddle up to my dad, I always put my head on his chest and would listen to his heartbeat.  Just checking…  The pastor always made me morbidly aware of my father’s mortality.  I’ve always expected the call, just didn’t know that it would happen this week.  This week my dad died of a heart attack, not his first.

Mom wanted his wedding ring and she was about to try to take it off.  I told her not to and to hand the phone to one of the EMTs.  I asked him to take off dad’s wedding ring for her when they moved “the body”.  He turned from a man into a body.  This man who could be my monster and my hero turned into a shell and became past tense.  I got off the phone and tried to call my brother, couldn’t get through.  I called his wife, she answered and then she got to my brother.

My brother got to her the next day and I got there two days later.  Tonight, I was making chicken tacos for my brother.  When I was a kid, I would eat my piece of chicken.  Dad would look at me and ask if I was done.  He would take my finished piece and clean the bone.  I think a chicken leg would produce more meat just for him.  I don’t know how that works exactly, but when I finish a piece of chicken I look at it and know that my dad could turn that into leftovers.

When I got to their home, mom, my brother and I were watching the sunset and having some wine.  “Suzi, did you know that he left me a message, did I tell you?”  “No, mom, you didn’t.”

She said. “After they took him, I noticed after a while that the room was disheveled.  My nightstand drawer was open and a little box that I keep mementos in was on the floor.  I found our college rings had been pulled out.  I saw in the closet that two shirts were on the floor.  The two shirts that he always complimented me in were pulled off their hangers.  Then I saw the pull tab from the soda can that I kept all these years, my first engagement ring.  In his last moments, he was loving me and figuring out how to show me.  Suzi, he loved me well.”

There have been so many times where I didn’t understand their relationship.  But, I never questioned that they had a beautiful love.  They were married just shy of 42 years.

hyperarousal – day 4

Not as sexy as it sounds.

So many aspects of my life have come together to create my emotional state.

Jumpy

Fearful

Super sensitive to noise-especially sudden noise

Trembling

Loss of hope for future

Worn out and exhausted

Productive because my tunnel vision has to go somewhere.  glad it’s productive today.

I was going through an old notebook and I found the table of contents for my book.  I’ve been so busy trying to survive in the last few years, that I’ve really neglected that part.

Right now, I just feel like a mass of inadequate treading through a murky swamp of failure.

But, it’ll be fine.

Sad Kid

There’s a really cute picture of me when I am five.  Recently, someone looked at it and said that my smile looked fake and my eyes looked sad.  I have looked at that picture many times since then and it has brought back a lot of memories.  I was abused in a lot of ways, but emotional abuse is always at the core.  I wish I could have helped restore that girl’s trust, but it was broken so many times.

Evident Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abused Child What to Look for when You Feel a Child is Being Abused, Emotionally
by Viktorya Hale

The silent abuse… There are no physical bruises or scars. The pain is hidden deep into the heart and soul, where no one can see. Emotional abuse can only be felt. When we have love for people, especially children, we automatically want to help heal any pain. I am blessed with one thing, for sure. That is the ability to see pain through the eyes of the hurting.

I wanted to share some signs that you could look for if you suspect that a child is being emotionally abused. Just so you know, I am a counselor in training. I am working towards a Bachelors in Psychology, but I am no counselor as of yet. What I share are my own experiences and observations.

The first thing that an emotionally abused child has lost is trust. What happens is as a baby, a child learns to trust their care takers. They have no choice, because they are born to be nurtured therefore they need to have trust. Over a period of time when a child is being torn down emotionally, they begin losing trust. When this happens, they bottle up and become distant. You may find that an emotionally abused child is distant and not very trusting of you. They won’t easily talk to you or they will put up a guard in efforts to “protect” them self. Until that trust is built back up (by you) they will never trust you, even if you have done nothing to abuse that trust. They had it once and lost it… it is up to us to find it again.

An emotionally abused child is bitter and cold. If they aren’t sad, they are snippy. An emotionally abused child may have constant mood swings from sadness to anger. They won’t show emotion for others who may be sad or hurting. For example, if another child gets hurt, they won’t show emotion or care towards them. It’s as if they have completely shut down their emotions to those around them.

Emotional abuse is the core for all abuse. There are many things that are involved in emotional abuse. Some examples are inconsistent tendencies, cruel behaviors towards others, being ignored or rejected. A lot of times these may come across as insignificant behaviors, but these are signs of an emotionally abusive situation.

A child needs constant nurturing in order for them to strive. It is an essential part of their development. They need it to build confidence and esteem. If they are ignored or rejected, they are being deprived of a necessity and therefore being abused. This is all too prevalent in today’s society.

There is a sad reality in how an emotionally abused child is cared for in today’s world. The simple fact is that they are not. Unfortunately, a child who isn’t physically abused cannot find help through intervention, like CPS. Often times the children are left in this living environment and they grow up, suffering from emotional neglect and abuse.

We can be a light for them by gaining their trust, listening to them and making them feel like they are worthy. It make take time, but sometimes we are their only hope. Look for the sad and lonely or stand-offish child. Most likely they are being emotionally abused or neglected. Sometimes it just takes a hug or smile to make their day.

I see it right in my own neighborhood that there are children who are constantly neglected by their parents. They are brought down to feel low, they are cursed at and always rejected. The cycle continues and parents don’t realize that they need to be the one to break that cycle. We cannot take our own hurts and pain and pass them down to our children.

Emotional abuse hurts deep within, causes pain, bitterness, strife and is detrimental to our children who should be loved and nurtured on a day to day basis. Let’s do our part and love a child who may be hurting today.

Lost Sister

I miss you.  You were fleet and your blonde hair streamed behind you, an amazing runner.  I remember hanging out in your backyard and in your garage talking about how you were going to be in the Olympics and I was going to be on Broadway.  We worked for hours one day trying to get the words for Supersonic right.

“You see, the ‘S’ is for super and the ‘U’ is for unique The ‘P’ is for perfection and you know that we are freaks The ‘E’ is for exotic and the ‘R’ is for raps So tell those nosy people just to stay the hell back.”  We would of course say heck and I don’t know how we got access to that song.

You had the corniest sense of humor and would slay me.  You knew when to be quiet and I envied that.  You laughed at me when I tried to run and I laughed at you when you danced.

I wouldn’t laugh now.  Now that I have danced in so many other ways beside competitive and technical, I understand that each body dances its’ soul’s expression and sometimes the people who are trained dancers are the farthest away from their soul.  Or maybe that was just me, I was so repressed, that I was shut off from my soul and although I danced well, it was empty.  My mind and soul were completely disassociated from my body.

But running grounded you, you needed to be free.  When you ran, you got the moments of peace, rhythm and silence that you needed so much.

I left you when I left the church.

You found my number once and called me.  Told me bad news and horrible things, your world was the same except worse and mine was getting better, so I thought.  I tried to comfort you.

The other sisters from that broken family have been found, but I can’t find you.

Where are you?

I miss you terribly and love you so dearly, no matter what the years have done.  I’ve had years too.

Love you,

Suzi

next

I’m trying to make peace with and space for my gray area.  I’m trying to figure out what to do and where to go next and how to pay for it.  Life wasn’t easier when there was a rule for everything, but it was more clear.

I’m trying to figure out how to live well and work on the things that I need to and stay consistent.

Right now the focus is money and weight management.  I have plans and goals for working on both and I hope it works.  But I feel really wonky and depressed.  It could be the detox, it could be the impending hormonal fluctuation, it could also be that I am living with someone I love dearly and am separating from.

I really don’t want to separate, but it’s the right thing for now.  No matter what happens with this dear relationship, I still want to grow and be self sustaining.  I am so grateful that I had the huge gift of being with someone who supported me in a lot of ways, while I was going through a pivotal reconnoitering.  His emotional, mental and financial generosity has been a deep well and I have to learn how to stand on my two feet again.

I feel like the biggest fool and ingrate in so many ways, I think that standing on my own two feet is the right thing no matter what.  I regret that I felt that I had to be alone to do it.  But, that is my journey as what happens next happens.

 

starting new work

I am starting a new program to help me get my financial well being under control.  It’s good to work with others to bring clarity and accountability for me.  I hope that this will help me create a balance for my financial world and I can do it for myself.  It feels better to hold myself accountable than to have a partner enforce it.  Sitting with discomfort and fear is an important part of this program.  I am trying to have compassion for where I was a month ago, when I left E.

I feel like a slowly melting candle.  I feel like I am dripping hot remorse, regret, shame and grief as the reality of my breakup becomes more real.  It’s easy to think it’s not real, especially since we are still sharing a living space.  But then there are times like today where there are things that aren’t right to say and boundaries that must be maintained.

It’s a confusing time, I am so full of hope and grief.

The next right step

I would call my engagement to E very successful.  An engagement is where you live with the intent of seeing if a relationship will be a good marriage.  Now we know.  I broke up with him before Christmas, because there are parts of me that need a lot of healing.

I love him so much that I can’t bear to heal at his expense anymore.  I don’t want to marry again knowing that there are things that I do that are harmful to me and my partner, at a core level.  He is amazing and the years we’ve been together have been beautiful and romantic.  Before we were together we were great friends.  I believe that will remain and always be true.

This healing I need to do on my own, without a partner.  I am terrified.  He and I always said to do the next right thing.  In a lot of ways, it breaks my heart to know that letting go is the next right thing.  There is also peace in it – some.

Saw a post on FaceBook and it inspired me…

“Goals are like magnets.  They’ll attract the things that make them come true.”  -Tony Robbins… (whoever that guy is).

Sometimes I think everything in my life is going so perfectly.  Then the carpet I am walking over is threadbare and I fall down this hole of issues.  All of a sudden, a bunch of problems in my life and my relationship just show up at the bottom of the hole.

I am in said hole.  I thought everything was fine.  Dare I say perfect?  It was amazing and exactly what I wanted.  Now I have doubt and fear.  I had a good conversation with an ex about my relationship patterns.  He said that part of my PTSD is that it makes me feel like everything is so doomed.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop.  But the sky is not full of shoes.  So I get a very tall ladder and precariously perch up shoes and anvils to drop on my head.

The I get the tunnel vision, the vision of how everything is bad, awful and doomed.  I will never be happy again.  And I can’t see that “this is hard” or “we need to work on this”.  Oh no, it’s I have done something wrong and I am being punished and I am such a fuckup that everything I touches goes away.

Then the frickin brainwashing comes into play.  A lot of it is from society and the gender roles we are taught.  But also growing up wearing a head covering and being told that we are indeed less than and must always be submissive… that brainwashing goes straight into my head.

So I go into the mode of “what do I have to do to make everything ok”?  How do I make the man happy…. Now this man has been god, the pastor, dad, teachers, bosses, boyfriends, husband, etc…  But I turn into a weepy girlbot and completely sabotage myself.

I forget that I am a thundering Leo who can wear a room.  I forget that I can speak to hundreds of people in a room and emotionally connect them.  I forget that I am strong and powerful and amazing.  No, I go straight to the “fact” rather the “brainwashing” that I need to do, say, cook, clean, perform the magical task that makes everything ok.

So, if “Goals are like magnets.  They’ll attract the things that make them come true.” -Quoted from that guy up top…

What are my goals right now?

  1. Get grounded
  2. Remember me
  3. Figure out what I want in the world and in my relationships
  4. Figure out if the options as I see them are true.
  5. Stretch, dance, move
  6. Be me so that the universal particles that are attracted to me know where to go.
  7. Hold my boundaries
  8. Love completely.
  9. Leave enough space for closeness.
  10. Don’t run away and burn stuff down.

Getting back to me is hard.  Sometimes it’s really hard to remember how to be free, powerful and happy.

Here’s to trying…

anxious

You know how the acid rolls around your stomach?  Waiting for the other shoe to drop?  I know that I once did a speech about the sky not being full of shoes to drop on your head, but that’s hard for me to believe today.

Expectations are worthless and I fear that the reality that I know is fracturing.  Can I open my heart and mind to accept change or am I being a sucker?

I wish the cave would open so that the light can come back in.  I’m sorry this can’t make more sense right now, but it just can’t.

evolution

Things change.  People change.  Relationships change.  In previous relationships, I was terrified and insecure as the other person changed.  At the same time, I was unaware of my changes.  Focused on them and us, not on me.

A relationship doesn’t end up being what it started.  I have immense gratitude for my growth today.  I have immense gratitude for my fiance and relationship.  So many things are shifting and we say yes and give space for mindful evolution to happen.  Sometimes, it’s scary and it hurts.  But together, we know we can craft a future of our choices.  I love that we turn toward each other at every corner and cross road.