I’ve mentioned A&M before in my boots post. They have one of the most beautiful marriages I’ve ever seen. And they treasure and delight in each other more than a decade later (and they’re smokin hot). One of the best things that M ever said to me is, “You’ve got to cradle each other with your words, keep each other safe.” That blew my mind.
I used to be addicted to sarcasm, before I heard M say this to me. And, sure… I had my sarcastic relapses here and there, I really tried to change. I feel that sarcasm keeps you on edge. Keeps you from ever really being able to let your guard down around the ones you love, sarcasm reinforces emotional walls. You can come close, but not too close. Sure, it can be “funny” and it was hard to imagine my personality without my cutting wit, sharpened and ready to slice, dice and julienne you at a moments notices.
But I also found that in those silences, where I’m not thinking about what I’m going to say. That life gets better. I get to hear who you really are, what you really need, and what is going on with you. I get to politely disengage from the barbs and find a softer way. I used to run a networking chapter of all women business owners, and I took a lot of M’s wisdom to that podium. I taught that it is better to be soft, to trust and to cradle each other with our words. I feel that helped make me successful, and I feel it helped me really connect and make some good happen in the world.
Thanks, M. In a sentence you changed my life for the better and I love you.
I know a thing or two about a thing or two. And this blog is the start of a vision, the continuance of a journey, and the closing of a book. I, like every other human on this planet, have been on a journey and I want to write it out. I am starting to braid together all the pieces of my fragmented self. Because I have suffered from fragmenting my world. How do I explain?
I felt like I had to separate all of the parts of me… How can I be an award winning business owner and a sexual being? How can I be a public speaker who has the ability to lift up and inspire when I was denying core parts of my heart? How can I be a survivor of horrific physical, psychological and emotional abuse and try to connect and be a healthy functioning member of society? How can I have gone from an award-winning dancer and dance teacher to 265+ pounds and down again? How can I have an eating disorder and throw large fundraisers around chocolate? How can I be a spiritual being and a party girl? I don’t know, but I am.
There are so many parts of me that contradict. And trying to segment them all led me to the second largest breakdown and reincarnation in my life: the first happened at 17 when I was disowned, and the second happened right before I turned 34. Now, at 34 I am willing to look at my past, present, and future and to braid together and accept all of the parts of me that I have tried to protect myself from.
The more I talk, the more I connect and the less I feel alone in my path. Because I have realized, that there are so many others that are fighting for their paths, step by step. Others who are surviving and making beautiful, abundant lives out of their exuberant, confusing and painful paths as well.
So this is my story, I am still writing it because I’m not dead yet. Oh, and I really like boots and shoes, but more about that later, we’ve got time.