Tag Archives: fear

New world in an old place

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In the last two weeks, I have faced two of my biggest fears: the death of my father and being on stage again in front of members of my old cult.  It has been so exhausting.  In a lot of ways, I have been so busy planning the memorial and helping my mom transition that I feel like maybe later I can process.  Just trying to put one step in front of the other.

Oh mom, what are we gonna do?  I have had a lot of business endeavors, but now I am scalp deep in the business of closing down a life.  TV is blaring, mom is sleeping and I am writing while trying not to freak out.  I am grateful that I have the opportunity to care for my mom in this way.  I wish that my brother and E could be here too.  Today, I think it kind of hit us that he was over.  I can chronicle the growing list of “he will nevers” or “I will nevers”.  I make those lists when I can’t sleep.  In the few moments where I am alone in the day, I break down.

It helps me to look at the next steps as a business…
Understand income
Understand and lower expenses
Document everything
Create emergency systems

I think it is good that my parents don’t live at the same house that I grew up in, there aren’t any ghosts here for me.  Unless dad is lurking about, I don’t think he is.  I think he would take a few trips before coming home first.

It has been extremely uncomfortable being surrounded by Christianity.  I was the “emcee” at my dad’s memorial service and I heard someone say that it was the best church service they had been to.  I don’t think they know that it was put together by two atheists.  It was quite a balance to honor my dad’s faith and stay true to my boundaries.  It was hard to be in a church.  I know that it would make my mom happy if I went to church with her on Sundays, but I can’t do that.  I won’t trigger and harm myself.  Also, I know that she would be self conscious of my experience.  In this time where she needs her community and her traditions, I don’t want to put my trauma and discomfort in the foreground.  But I will keep myself safe from incurring more.

I am afraid of my boundaries and mental health.  I am afraid to leave the house because I want to protect my mom.  I should take breaks and take care of myself, but I feel like there is this giant mountain of work to do.  I feel like if I don’t get something done every second that there will be peril and further loss.  It’s ok to take the time to write this because I am simultaneously hacking into my dad’s laptop because we don’t know his passwords.

Looks like I’ve made some progress on the hack.  Write you later.

Repost: from AskMoxie.com

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I’ve been reposting a lot lately, maybe I don’t have anything original to say.  I have been in such a funk that I am looking outside for things that will give me more resources.  I feel very depleted.  I am seriously facing down some demons right now (I never asked for any of my exorcisms but maybe I could use one now).  There has been a lot about rape in the news lately, which is good.  It needs to be talked about.  We very much live in a rape culture and having been through three sexual assault experiences, the conversation, although good is – very triggering for me. I suspect many others are feeling the same way.

Read this, seriously.  A Letter To My Sons About Stopping Rape

When I was younger the forms of defense I remember being taught were these: scream, pray, tell them you are Christian, show them your wedding ring if you are married, wear a whistle, etc.  I remember being told that people did it when possessed and that praying in tongues and trying to cast out the demons would be a good way.  And to stay out of alleys.

We have to teach all children that they get to have and need to respect other people’s boundaries.  We have to teach that no and stop are sacred words.  We need to teach them that if someone is too altered to say yes, that is an automatic no.  We need to tell them to honor themselves and others and to bring that mindfulness into their social circles.  We have to model good boundaries too, having them hug and kiss people they don’t want to is an awful thing.  They should be taught to trust their intuition and physical boundaries.

hyperarousal – day 4

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Not as sexy as it sounds.

So many aspects of my life have come together to create my emotional state.

Jumpy

Fearful

Super sensitive to noise-especially sudden noise

Trembling

Loss of hope for future

Worn out and exhausted

Productive because my tunnel vision has to go somewhere.  glad it’s productive today.

I was going through an old notebook and I found the table of contents for my book.  I’ve been so busy trying to survive in the last few years, that I’ve really neglected that part.

Right now, I just feel like a mass of inadequate treading through a murky swamp of failure.

But, it’ll be fine.

Workshop for those born or raised in cultic groups

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Workshop for those born or raised in cultic groups coming up next month. Tell others. Register now.
National Online Information and Registration:  http://icsahome.com/pdf/fax_mail_sga.pdf

Surviving and Moving On After a High-Demand Group Experience: A Workshop for Second-Generation Former Members (SGAs)

Friday 3:00 PM April 26, 2013 to Sunday 2:00 PM April 28, 2013

Guest House Retreat & Conference Center, 318 West Main Street, Chester, CT 06412 (860–322–5770)

Meeting annually since 2006, this workshop addresses the needs of SGAs through presentations by specialists and former members, including discussions in which attendees may participate according to their comfort levels. Special attention is paid to the need of SGAs for privacy, reflection, and working at their own pace.

Workshop subjects include:

  • critical thinking
  • socialization, culture shock, and acculturation
  • psychological development, boundaries, and trust
  • long-term psychological, educational, and emotional effects of growing up in a culture of abuse and neglect
  • relationships with families and others
  • resiliency

Fees include Friday dinner and sleeping room, Saturday meals and sleeping room, and Sunday breakfast and lunch.  Single $400; Double $325.  ICSA members may deduct $25 from fees.  For more information e-mail ICSA (mail@icsamail.com) or go online: http://icsahome.com/pdf/fax_mail_sga.pdf

Emotional Abuse

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Having witnessed emotional abuse lately, I’ve been thinking about emotional abuse and found this great article…  This was written by Richa Pant, Is your partner emotionally abusive?

In any successful marriage, you will find that the partners love, care and respect each other.

When you enter into a marital relationship, you expect your emotions to be respected and nurtured and vice versa.

Most people assume that if they’re not being physically abused by their partner, they’re not being abused. That’s not necessarily true. You might be in a relationship that is draining something from you; you may not even be aware that your partner has eroded your self-esteem and happiness.

“Although physical abuse is thought to be the most obvious form of abuse, emotional abuse has the potential to be even more devastating than physical abuse. This is because it is hard to prove and, thus, difficult to stop,” says psychologist Dr Vandana Mathur. Many people find that emotional abuse is difficult to even talk about, as others seldom take it seriously.

What is emotional abuse?

Abuse is any behavior that controls and subjugates another person by means of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation, etc. “Emotional abuse can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics like repeated disapproval,” says Dr Mathur.

Like other forms of violence in relationships, emotional abuse rests on the premise of power and control. “It eventually brainwashes the victim. It systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, self-worth and trust in their own perceptions,” says Vijay Malhotra (name changed), 28, a software engineer at an IT firm in Delhi, Vijay says he experienced emotional abuse in his marriage due to his wife’s constant criticism and diatribes.

Types of emotional abuse

Rejection: Refusing to acknowledge a person’s presence or worth; telling him/ her that he/ she is useless or inferior; devaluing her/ his thoughts and feelings.

Verbal assaults: Degrading, insulting, ridiculing, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening, behavior that, over time, erodes the identity, dignity and self-worth of the person.

Terrorism: Inducing terror or extreme fear in a person; intimidating; placing or threatening to send a person to an unfit or dangerous environment.

Isolation: Restricting normal contact with others; limiting freedom within the person’s own environment.

Unreasonable expectations: Placing unreasonable demands and wanting a person to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.

Constant chaos: Deliberately starting arguments and being in constant conflict with others. The person may be ‘addicted to drama’ since it creates a sense of excitement.

Denial: Denying a person’s emotional needs with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating him/ her. Also, denying that certain events occurred or that certain things were said by saying, “I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” etc. The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and even question your sanity.

Withholding: Another form of denying. It includes refusing to communicate and emotionally withdrawing from the other person as punishment; this is also known as the ‘silent treatment’.

Domination: Wanting to control your every action. They have to have their own way and will even resort to threats in order to do so. When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.

Emotional blackmail: Playing on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, and other ‘emotional buttons’ to get what they want. This could include threats to end the relationship, to totally reject or abandon you, or the use of other fear tactics to control you.

Invalidation: Undermining a person’s perceptions of their world. For example, if the recipient tells the abuser they felt hurt by something he/ she did or said, the abuser might say “You are too sensitive. That shouldn’t hurt you.”

Unpredictable responses: Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. This is damaging because it always keeps you on edge. An alcoholic, for example, is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking.

Irresponsible behavior: Thinking every chore and duty in the marriage is the partner’s responsibility. Not assisting in any work relating to the household, family or children. Adding to the burden by making cutting remarks about how poorly you manage the children/ household.

Cycle of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse often follows a pattern.

In the first phase, there is a build-up of tension and a breakdown in communication.

The second phase involves the actual incident of verbal and emotional abuse.

The third phase involves reconciliation. The abuser apologizes, offers excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occurred, or says it wasn’t as bad as the victim claims.

Finally, in the fourth phase, there is calm. The incident is ‘forgotten’ and no abuse is taking place.

Then, after some time, the cycle repeats itself.

Characteristics of emotional abuse

~ Emotional abuse accompanies other forms of abuse, but can also occur on its own.

~ No abuse — neglect, physical, or financial — can occur without psychological consequences. Therefore, all abuse contains elements of emotional abuse.

~ Emotional abuse follows a pattern. It is repeated and sustained. If left unchecked, it only gets worse.

~ Emotional abuse can severely damage the victim’s sense of self-worth and perception.

Repercussions of emotional abuse

“Repeated verbal abuse such as blaming, ridiculing, insulting, swearing, yelling and humiliation has long-term negative effects on your self-esteem. It contributes to a perception of uselessness, worthlessness and self-blame,” says Geeta Singh (name changed), 27, a teacher who was a victim of abuse in her first marriage but was fortunate enough to get out of it.

The one-up position the abuser assumes by judging or demeaning the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that is the foundation of healthy adult relationships. This can result in what is known as ‘learned helplessness’.

“By threatening to physically harm a partner, the abuser dominates him/ her and shows that he/ she is more powerful. The partner feels extremely terrorised, vulnerable and powerless within the relationship. This kind of emotional abuse makes an abused person feel helpless and isolated,” says Dr Mathur.

“Jealousy, possessiveness and interrogation about a partner’s whereabouts and activities are examples of controlling behaviors that restrict a partner’s independence and freedom,” says Geeta.

“Emotional abuse can have serious physical and psychological consequences, including severe depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, isolation from others, increased alcohol or drug use, emotional instability, sleep disturbances, physical complaints, extreme dependence and feelings of shame and self-blame,” says Dr Mathur.

Eventually, emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating emotional scars that can be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.

Are you suffering from emotional abuse?

Take a moment to consider these questions. They will help you identify if you are being emotionally abused, and provide some ideas on what you can do about it.

  • Do you feel your partner controls your life?
  • Do you feel your partner doesn’t value your thoughts and feelings?
  • Does your partner ever criticise you, humiliate you, threaten/ intimidate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
  • Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs?
  • Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you’re being abused is because he/ she loves you?
  • Does your partner tell you no one else would want you, or that you’re lucky he/ she takes care of you?
  • Does your partner use the children against you in arguments or threaten you’ll never see them again if you leave?
  • Does your partner blame you for whatever goes wrong?
  • Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him/ her?
  • Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping or alcohol usage?
  • Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed most of the time?
  • Have you lost self-confidence and are unable to make decisions for yourself?
  • Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or neighbors?
  • Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
  • Does your partner refuse to share household and family responsibilities?

What can you do about it

  • Realize that emotional abuse is a serious problem, and can be as bad or worse than physical abuse.
  • Emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse. Take the issue your own safety and the safety of your children (if any) seriously.
  • Know that you are not to blame for your partner’s abusive behavior and that no one ever deserves to be abused.
  • Find people to talk to, who can support you. Consider going for counseling. If possible, convince your spouse to go as well. Take the help of your near and dear ones.
  • Know that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any type of abuse may take time.
  • Trust yourself and your own perceptions. Believe in your strengths.
    Remember that you are not alone and help is available.

Getting your self-esteem back on track is a priority. Often, we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, it’s quite possible we treat ourselves the same way.

What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as “I am no good” or “I never do anything right” dominate your thought process? Learning to love and care for yourself increases self-esteem and makes it more likely you will have healthy relationships.

Is your partner emotionally abusive? by Richa Plant

15 signs that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship

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In starting to think more about emotional abuse, I came across this article. I’ve been through many types of abuse in the past.  It all starts with emotional abuse.  I am grateful that my last relationship with E didn’t have these elements, in fact that relationship was really healing and helped me in a lot of ways.

Although this article assumes that a male is the abuser, it is not a gender specific problem.

15 Signs You’re in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship – by Aunt Becky

Emotional abuse, while it leaves no marks, can sometimes be the hardest type of abuse to understand in a relationship. It’s hard to imagine that someone who “loves you” could abuse you — and besides, it’s just words, right? It’s not like you’re being BEATEN.

Sad truth is, while broken bones heal, the wounds left from emotional abuse can last a lifetime.

Emotional abuse is a form of abuse in which a partner uses verbal assault, fear, or humiliation to undermine the other person’s self-esteem and self-worth. Emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse.

Here are some signs you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship:

1) You’re afraid to tell your partner about a normal happening – your car needs brakes, your boss made you work overtime – because you’re not sure how he will react.

2) When you do talk to your significant other, he puts you down and makes you feel stupid.

3) You make yourself available to your partner no matter what the personal cost – just to avoid a confrontation.

4) You no longer want to bring your significant other around your friends or family because you’re afraid he will berate you and humiliate you in front of your loved ones.

5) You’ve begun to believe that you’re the crazy one — that you’re the one with the problem.

6) When talking about an accomplishment – a promotion or something equally exciting – your partner sneers at you, putting you down, mocking your achievement rather than celebrating it.

7) You feel helpless, like you’re trapped in the relationship.

8) Your partner treats you like an object, like property, not like a person with real feelings.

9) Your partner keeps a tight control on all things: money, the phone, using the car, who you see and what you do.

10) If you fight back, your significant other blames you for the abusive behavior. “If you weren’t so dumb, I wouldn’t have to yell at you.”

11) You’ve begun to see yourself as worthless — just like your partner tells you you are.

12) You’ll go out of your way to please your significant other, no matter how much you have to sacrifice. If that means staying up all night to wash the floor, so be it. It beats the “lecture.”

13) You’re in complete isolation. Your partner doesn’t want you around your friends or family and has convinced you that THEY are the ones who are abusive to you – not him.

14) You’ve begun to feel as though you deserve to be treated badly. If you were a better person, you wouldn’t make him so mad!

15) You find yourself having to rush to his defense whenever he is brought up in conversation. You make excuses for his behavior regardless of the situation.

If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship or even if you think you’re being abused but it’s “not bad enough” to do anything about it, remember: it is. No one deserves to be treated this way, and everyone is worthy of respect. Even you.

Emotional Abuse Checklist: Are You Being Emotionally Abused?

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Abuse is a cycle.  Many times victims become abusers and abusers become victims. Children who are powerless while being abused, learn that abuse is how you get power and control and adopt those behaviors.

Emotional abuse was not an element in my last relationship and it was interesting and difficult to see how I expected abuse and would still play the part of a victim in my head.

I found this great article on it.

Emotional Abuse Checklist: Are You Being Emotionally Abused?  by Cathy Meyer  

What is emotional abuse?

There is no universally accepted definition of emotional abuse. Like other forms of violence in relationships, emotional abuse is based on power and control. The following are widely recognized as forms of emotional abuse: Your spouse…

  • Frequently blames or criticizes you
  • Calls you names
  • Ridicules your beliefs, religion, race class or sexual preference
  • Blames you for “causing” the abuse
  • Ridicules/makes bad remarks about your gender
  • Criticizes or threatens to hurt your family or friends
  • Isolates you from your family and friends
  • Abuses animals
  • Tries to keep you from doing something you wanted to do
  • Is angry if you pay too much attention to someone or something else (children, friends, school, etc.)
  • Withholds approval, appreciation or affection
  • Humiliates you
  • Becomes angry if meals or housework are not done to his/her liking
  • Makes contradictory demands
  • Does not include you in important decisions
  • Does not allow you to sleep
  • Repeatedly harasses you about things you did in the past
  • Takes away car keys, money or credit cards
  • Threatens to leave or told you to leave.
  • Checks up on you (listens to your phone calls, looks at phone bills, checks the mileage on the car, etc.)
  • Tells people you suffer from a mental illness
  • Threatens to commit suicide
  • Interferes with your work or school (provokes a fight in the morning, calls to harass you at work, etc.)
  • Minimizes or denies being abusive
  • Abuses your children
  • Breaks dates and cancels plans without reason
  • Uses drugs or alcohol to excuse their behavior
  • Uses phrases like “I’ll show you who is boss,” or ”I’ll put you in line”
  • Uses loud or intimidating tone of voice
  • Comes home at late hours refusing an explanation

Emotional abuse can have serious physical and psychological consequences for women, including severe depression, anxiety, persistent headaches, back and limb problems, and stomach problems. If you are concerned about the abuse level you are experiencing, please call 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).

Am I Being Emotionally Abused – 6 Signs the Answer Could Be Yes

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I am analyzing patterns from my life.  And realizing that I am so used to emotional abuse that I can bring the habits of the abuse victim into relationships.  So I am studying emotional abuse, I hope to be able to recognize better when I am in a victim cycle.  Ever deal with a beaten dog, you raise your voice or make a gesture with your arm and they expect harm.  In a lot of ways, I do that.  Always expect to be harmed, even when it’s not coming.  This is a really difficult part of my PTSD, trying to break the symptoms of hyper vigilance and hyper arousal.

In my research, I found this great article.

Am I Being Emotionally Abused – 6 Signs the Answer Could Be Yes

By

Relationships have challenges and require work and effort on the part of both partners. However, there are instances where the dynamic within the relationship is unhealthy, and one or both partners are behaving consistently in patterns that attempt to control and emotionally wound the other person. If you are feeling inferior, incompetent, and even crazy around your partner much of the time, this merits a closer look into the way your partner is treating you. Here are 6 signs that you may be involved in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship:

1. Your partner puts you down. This activity may occur in public or in private, and may consist of swearing and/or name calling. More subtle criticisms may be expressed, such as disapproval of the way you do things, who you are as a human being, or even your level of mental health. In general, your partner presents him or herself as knowing the “right” way to do things, and refuses to take responsibility for mistakes or wrongdoing, preferring to make it your fault, or a character flaw in you.

2. Your partner does not want you to have access to work and educational opportunities, discouraging you from activities that would ensure your independence from your partner.

3. Your partner attempts to wield control your daily activities. You may feel as if you must make report and defend or justify the way you spend your time during the day. You may even find yourself choosing activities you know your partner will approve of, just to avoid an unpleasant battle later.

4. Your partner manipulates or controls you using sex. Rather than an expression of love, comfort, or passion between you, your partner either demands physical affection and satisfaction, regardless of your preferences, or deliberately withholds affection and intimacy from you. In both instances, your partner is using sex to control you and keep you subject to his or her whim.

5. Your partner tries to limit your time spent with outside family and friends. He or she may prohibit you from seeing certain people, or you may hear manipulative statements such as, “I can’t believe you would choose to go to dinner with him over dinner with me.” This tactic accomplishes a couple things for the emotional abuser. It asserts your partner’s control over you, and it also isolates you. When your time is limited with loved ones, their affirming, positive messages about you, as well as any criticism they may have about your partner, is also limited. It helps keep you firmly planted in the world your partner is creating for you.

6. Your partner suggests that there will be consequences for not obeying or complying with his or her demands. This may be peppered with occasional generous or kind behaviors, but these are generally strategic attempts to draw you back in to the relationship if it appears you may be pulling away. As soon as you are back under control, the emotionally and psychologically abusive behavior starts again.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1928876

Sad Kid

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There’s a really cute picture of me when I am five.  Recently, someone looked at it and said that my smile looked fake and my eyes looked sad.  I have looked at that picture many times since then and it has brought back a lot of memories.  I was abused in a lot of ways, but emotional abuse is always at the core.  I wish I could have helped restore that girl’s trust, but it was broken so many times.

Evident Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abused Child What to Look for when You Feel a Child is Being Abused, Emotionally
by Viktorya Hale

The silent abuse… There are no physical bruises or scars. The pain is hidden deep into the heart and soul, where no one can see. Emotional abuse can only be felt. When we have love for people, especially children, we automatically want to help heal any pain. I am blessed with one thing, for sure. That is the ability to see pain through the eyes of the hurting.

I wanted to share some signs that you could look for if you suspect that a child is being emotionally abused. Just so you know, I am a counselor in training. I am working towards a Bachelors in Psychology, but I am no counselor as of yet. What I share are my own experiences and observations.

The first thing that an emotionally abused child has lost is trust. What happens is as a baby, a child learns to trust their care takers. They have no choice, because they are born to be nurtured therefore they need to have trust. Over a period of time when a child is being torn down emotionally, they begin losing trust. When this happens, they bottle up and become distant. You may find that an emotionally abused child is distant and not very trusting of you. They won’t easily talk to you or they will put up a guard in efforts to “protect” them self. Until that trust is built back up (by you) they will never trust you, even if you have done nothing to abuse that trust. They had it once and lost it… it is up to us to find it again.

An emotionally abused child is bitter and cold. If they aren’t sad, they are snippy. An emotionally abused child may have constant mood swings from sadness to anger. They won’t show emotion for others who may be sad or hurting. For example, if another child gets hurt, they won’t show emotion or care towards them. It’s as if they have completely shut down their emotions to those around them.

Emotional abuse is the core for all abuse. There are many things that are involved in emotional abuse. Some examples are inconsistent tendencies, cruel behaviors towards others, being ignored or rejected. A lot of times these may come across as insignificant behaviors, but these are signs of an emotionally abusive situation.

A child needs constant nurturing in order for them to strive. It is an essential part of their development. They need it to build confidence and esteem. If they are ignored or rejected, they are being deprived of a necessity and therefore being abused. This is all too prevalent in today’s society.

There is a sad reality in how an emotionally abused child is cared for in today’s world. The simple fact is that they are not. Unfortunately, a child who isn’t physically abused cannot find help through intervention, like CPS. Often times the children are left in this living environment and they grow up, suffering from emotional neglect and abuse.

We can be a light for them by gaining their trust, listening to them and making them feel like they are worthy. It make take time, but sometimes we are their only hope. Look for the sad and lonely or stand-offish child. Most likely they are being emotionally abused or neglected. Sometimes it just takes a hug or smile to make their day.

I see it right in my own neighborhood that there are children who are constantly neglected by their parents. They are brought down to feel low, they are cursed at and always rejected. The cycle continues and parents don’t realize that they need to be the one to break that cycle. We cannot take our own hurts and pain and pass them down to our children.

Emotional abuse hurts deep within, causes pain, bitterness, strife and is detrimental to our children who should be loved and nurtured on a day to day basis. Let’s do our part and love a child who may be hurting today.

starting new work

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I am starting a new program to help me get my financial well being under control.  It’s good to work with others to bring clarity and accountability for me.  I hope that this will help me create a balance for my financial world and I can do it for myself.  It feels better to hold myself accountable than to have a partner enforce it.  Sitting with discomfort and fear is an important part of this program.  I am trying to have compassion for where I was a month ago, when I left E.

I feel like a slowly melting candle.  I feel like I am dripping hot remorse, regret, shame and grief as the reality of my breakup becomes more real.  It’s easy to think it’s not real, especially since we are still sharing a living space.  But then there are times like today where there are things that aren’t right to say and boundaries that must be maintained.

It’s a confusing time, I am so full of hope and grief.