Tag Archives: love

ugly blue hoodie

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I left my home and church at the age of 17.  The circumstances were negative.  Very negative.  It’s complicated to grow up in a legalistic cult.  Leaving was the right thing.

As I left home, I grabbed my dad’s big giant blue hoodie.  This was 20 years ago when they were sweatshirts.  After dance practice, he used to wrap me up in it for warmth and modesty over my leotard.  I stole it when I left.  It was like stealing a hug that I could have whenever I wanted.

Years passed.  I wore through this giant eyesore of a sweatshirt.  I bought a new blue hoodie that was super giant.  It took a long time to break in.  It’s been 20 years and I am on my fourth.  In the years we were seperated and not talking, it was the thing that made me feel connected and held.

It feels good to be wearing it now.  And I will always have a way too big hoodie.

Years later I told him that I stole it, he laughed and said, “so that’s where that went”.

15 signs that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship

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In starting to think more about emotional abuse, I came across this article. I’ve been through many types of abuse in the past.  It all starts with emotional abuse.  I am grateful that my last relationship with E didn’t have these elements, in fact that relationship was really healing and helped me in a lot of ways.

Although this article assumes that a male is the abuser, it is not a gender specific problem.

15 Signs You’re in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship – by Aunt Becky

Emotional abuse, while it leaves no marks, can sometimes be the hardest type of abuse to understand in a relationship. It’s hard to imagine that someone who “loves you” could abuse you — and besides, it’s just words, right? It’s not like you’re being BEATEN.

Sad truth is, while broken bones heal, the wounds left from emotional abuse can last a lifetime.

Emotional abuse is a form of abuse in which a partner uses verbal assault, fear, or humiliation to undermine the other person’s self-esteem and self-worth. Emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse.

Here are some signs you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship:

1) You’re afraid to tell your partner about a normal happening – your car needs brakes, your boss made you work overtime – because you’re not sure how he will react.

2) When you do talk to your significant other, he puts you down and makes you feel stupid.

3) You make yourself available to your partner no matter what the personal cost – just to avoid a confrontation.

4) You no longer want to bring your significant other around your friends or family because you’re afraid he will berate you and humiliate you in front of your loved ones.

5) You’ve begun to believe that you’re the crazy one — that you’re the one with the problem.

6) When talking about an accomplishment – a promotion or something equally exciting – your partner sneers at you, putting you down, mocking your achievement rather than celebrating it.

7) You feel helpless, like you’re trapped in the relationship.

8) Your partner treats you like an object, like property, not like a person with real feelings.

9) Your partner keeps a tight control on all things: money, the phone, using the car, who you see and what you do.

10) If you fight back, your significant other blames you for the abusive behavior. “If you weren’t so dumb, I wouldn’t have to yell at you.”

11) You’ve begun to see yourself as worthless — just like your partner tells you you are.

12) You’ll go out of your way to please your significant other, no matter how much you have to sacrifice. If that means staying up all night to wash the floor, so be it. It beats the “lecture.”

13) You’re in complete isolation. Your partner doesn’t want you around your friends or family and has convinced you that THEY are the ones who are abusive to you – not him.

14) You’ve begun to feel as though you deserve to be treated badly. If you were a better person, you wouldn’t make him so mad!

15) You find yourself having to rush to his defense whenever he is brought up in conversation. You make excuses for his behavior regardless of the situation.

If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship or even if you think you’re being abused but it’s “not bad enough” to do anything about it, remember: it is. No one deserves to be treated this way, and everyone is worthy of respect. Even you.

Am I Being Emotionally Abused – 6 Signs the Answer Could Be Yes

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I am analyzing patterns from my life.  And realizing that I am so used to emotional abuse that I can bring the habits of the abuse victim into relationships.  So I am studying emotional abuse, I hope to be able to recognize better when I am in a victim cycle.  Ever deal with a beaten dog, you raise your voice or make a gesture with your arm and they expect harm.  In a lot of ways, I do that.  Always expect to be harmed, even when it’s not coming.  This is a really difficult part of my PTSD, trying to break the symptoms of hyper vigilance and hyper arousal.

In my research, I found this great article.

Am I Being Emotionally Abused – 6 Signs the Answer Could Be Yes

By

Relationships have challenges and require work and effort on the part of both partners. However, there are instances where the dynamic within the relationship is unhealthy, and one or both partners are behaving consistently in patterns that attempt to control and emotionally wound the other person. If you are feeling inferior, incompetent, and even crazy around your partner much of the time, this merits a closer look into the way your partner is treating you. Here are 6 signs that you may be involved in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship:

1. Your partner puts you down. This activity may occur in public or in private, and may consist of swearing and/or name calling. More subtle criticisms may be expressed, such as disapproval of the way you do things, who you are as a human being, or even your level of mental health. In general, your partner presents him or herself as knowing the “right” way to do things, and refuses to take responsibility for mistakes or wrongdoing, preferring to make it your fault, or a character flaw in you.

2. Your partner does not want you to have access to work and educational opportunities, discouraging you from activities that would ensure your independence from your partner.

3. Your partner attempts to wield control your daily activities. You may feel as if you must make report and defend or justify the way you spend your time during the day. You may even find yourself choosing activities you know your partner will approve of, just to avoid an unpleasant battle later.

4. Your partner manipulates or controls you using sex. Rather than an expression of love, comfort, or passion between you, your partner either demands physical affection and satisfaction, regardless of your preferences, or deliberately withholds affection and intimacy from you. In both instances, your partner is using sex to control you and keep you subject to his or her whim.

5. Your partner tries to limit your time spent with outside family and friends. He or she may prohibit you from seeing certain people, or you may hear manipulative statements such as, “I can’t believe you would choose to go to dinner with him over dinner with me.” This tactic accomplishes a couple things for the emotional abuser. It asserts your partner’s control over you, and it also isolates you. When your time is limited with loved ones, their affirming, positive messages about you, as well as any criticism they may have about your partner, is also limited. It helps keep you firmly planted in the world your partner is creating for you.

6. Your partner suggests that there will be consequences for not obeying or complying with his or her demands. This may be peppered with occasional generous or kind behaviors, but these are generally strategic attempts to draw you back in to the relationship if it appears you may be pulling away. As soon as you are back under control, the emotionally and psychologically abusive behavior starts again.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1928876

Lost Sister

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I miss you.  You were fleet and your blonde hair streamed behind you, an amazing runner.  I remember hanging out in your backyard and in your garage talking about how you were going to be in the Olympics and I was going to be on Broadway.  We worked for hours one day trying to get the words for Supersonic right.

“You see, the ‘S’ is for super and the ‘U’ is for unique The ‘P’ is for perfection and you know that we are freaks The ‘E’ is for exotic and the ‘R’ is for raps So tell those nosy people just to stay the hell back.”  We would of course say heck and I don’t know how we got access to that song.

You had the corniest sense of humor and would slay me.  You knew when to be quiet and I envied that.  You laughed at me when I tried to run and I laughed at you when you danced.

I wouldn’t laugh now.  Now that I have danced in so many other ways beside competitive and technical, I understand that each body dances its’ soul’s expression and sometimes the people who are trained dancers are the farthest away from their soul.  Or maybe that was just me, I was so repressed, that I was shut off from my soul and although I danced well, it was empty.  My mind and soul were completely disassociated from my body.

But running grounded you, you needed to be free.  When you ran, you got the moments of peace, rhythm and silence that you needed so much.

I left you when I left the church.

You found my number once and called me.  Told me bad news and horrible things, your world was the same except worse and mine was getting better, so I thought.  I tried to comfort you.

The other sisters from that broken family have been found, but I can’t find you.

Where are you?

I miss you terribly and love you so dearly, no matter what the years have done.  I’ve had years too.

Love you,

Suzi

next

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I’m trying to make peace with and space for my gray area.  I’m trying to figure out what to do and where to go next and how to pay for it.  Life wasn’t easier when there was a rule for everything, but it was more clear.

I’m trying to figure out how to live well and work on the things that I need to and stay consistent.

Right now the focus is money and weight management.  I have plans and goals for working on both and I hope it works.  But I feel really wonky and depressed.  It could be the detox, it could be the impending hormonal fluctuation, it could also be that I am living with someone I love dearly and am separating from.

I really don’t want to separate, but it’s the right thing for now.  No matter what happens with this dear relationship, I still want to grow and be self sustaining.  I am so grateful that I had the huge gift of being with someone who supported me in a lot of ways, while I was going through a pivotal reconnoitering.  His emotional, mental and financial generosity has been a deep well and I have to learn how to stand on my two feet again.

I feel like the biggest fool and ingrate in so many ways, I think that standing on my own two feet is the right thing no matter what.  I regret that I felt that I had to be alone to do it.  But, that is my journey as what happens next happens.

 

My brother the hero

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My brother is an amazing human being, we were raised in the same environment and it amazes me how different we can be.  When I am in a hard situation, I can get into a… um… how do I best describe it?  I guess, HULK SMASH mode.  I get huge and confrontational.

Then there’s my brother.  He’s got a style of dealing with confrontation and BS of his own.  He’s always been my hero and I hope to have his grace one day.

Let me set the scene for you, my brother is a wonderful and exhausted father of three boys: a seven year old and twin three year olds.  He needs to go to a fedex kinkos for some shipping and he’s got the twins with him.  The twins are sweet, angelic wonders for ten minutes.  Then like what happens with kids, they start to freak out – in stereo.  My brother has his hands full and is trying to get the two flailing children.  They knock over a greeting card display.

My brother is mortified and an employee rushes out and said that they were old and she was going to put them away today anyway.  She’s very sweet and understanding to my brother, who is obviously struggling.   A customer looks at my brother and says, “Can’t you control your children?”

Now, I don’t know what I would have done.  I want to be a parent, but I’m not.  My brother looks at her and smiles.  He says, “hi! I’m so glad to meet you!  I’ve been wanting to meet the person who has her shit together my whole life.  And I’ve met her!  It’s you! It’s such an honor. Thank you.”

I think he’s brilliant.

starting new work

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I am starting a new program to help me get my financial well being under control.  It’s good to work with others to bring clarity and accountability for me.  I hope that this will help me create a balance for my financial world and I can do it for myself.  It feels better to hold myself accountable than to have a partner enforce it.  Sitting with discomfort and fear is an important part of this program.  I am trying to have compassion for where I was a month ago, when I left E.

I feel like a slowly melting candle.  I feel like I am dripping hot remorse, regret, shame and grief as the reality of my breakup becomes more real.  It’s easy to think it’s not real, especially since we are still sharing a living space.  But then there are times like today where there are things that aren’t right to say and boundaries that must be maintained.

It’s a confusing time, I am so full of hope and grief.

different from here

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Call it waffling, call it perspective – I don’t know what to call it.  I just know that I don’t feel so absolute anymore.  This love is so big and so strong am I being spoiled thinking that I have to be perfect?  Is perfect what I expect?  I just don’t know.

Or perhaps, when the shit was hitting the fan I abandoned him?

I honestly can’t say.  Maybe yes to both?  When I am afraid and things are hard, I tend to burn them down.  Terrified to live in the gray and needing the binary of black and white, right and wrong.  Everything was good and evil when I was growing up and it’s more complicated now.

I don’t know which pattern to break.

But I do know about fundamental self doubt.  Back in the cult, you never knew when a confrontation would occur.  I grew up knowing that the accusation of anything can happen at anytime and with painful consequences, whether or not it was true.  The adult manifestation of this environment means that I instantly demonize myself.  If I see something I don’t like about me, it is evil and I am awful.  If you take issue with me, I will agree with what you say and then tell you many more ways in which I am deficient.

In the gray area and doubt of the last few months, I may have made myself the enemy.  I feel I have control over that.  The things that I need to change are real.  But were any of them dealbreakers?  I don’t know.  Did I not stand by him when things were really hard?  Yes I didn’t. I look at all the hard times when he has held steadfastly by my side in the last 4 years.  Did I bail when he needed me most?  When he needed me to be strong…   I felt like I was saving him from me when I broke up with him.  Perhaps I was running again.

Or is that demonizing me too?

Crap, everything sure looks different from here.

And I love him.  Breaking up sure felt right at the time, but I just don’t know.  So can I live in this gray area?  Should I?

a symbol of our love

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On July 30, 2011 he put the engagement ring on my finger.  It is still the prettiest ring I have ever seen.  The center stone is a blue topaz, the same blue as my eyes, he said.  The proposal was romantic, thoughtful, sweet…everything I hoped for and more than I dreamed of.

Many months ago we went to a jeweler so that they could design complementing wedding bands.  I had them tighten and clean my engagement ring, one of the two diamonds was loose.  While they were cleaning it, a diamond came out.  I was relieved that if it had to come out, that it came out at the jewelers.  Upon examination of the stone, we found out that diamond was a cubic zirconium.  We were upset, because E had definitely paid for two diamonds and the paperwork said that it was two diamonds.

We sent the ring back across the country, where he bought it.  It took five months or so to finally get it fixed and sorted.  I called them every other week to get a status report.  I got used to not wearing the ring even though I thought of it every day and missed it.

E went to CA for 7 weeks and returned in December.  While he was gone, many issues became apparent about our relationship.  We worked on it and I realized that I need time apart and away from a partner to work on my stuff.  Heart breaking.

The day the ring came back from the west coast ended up being the day that we broke up.  It was fixed and perfect.  My finger never felt so naked.  There it was and I couldn’t put it back on.

The ring was getting shaky.  The ring had foundational issues that it needed to go and get worked on.  I know how it feels.

domestic

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I’ve been wanting to get the house filing done for a while. Yesterday I took the time.  I didn’t think it would be as hard as it was.  E was helping and I looked up and realized that he was cleaning out the “wedding planning” binder.

We were both really quiet and emotional.  Some things that you need to say don’t have words.