Tag Archives: Project Hotness

problems with authority 1

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You may not have noticed, but sometimes I have trouble with authority.  Most recently this played out with my personal trainer where she said, come in twice before our next appointment-do these things or “you’ll be punished”.  She couldn’t have been more playful when she said it.

I even wanted to come in.  But I swear that phrase triggered me and my “fuck you shoes” were glued to the floor and I couldn’t go.  I said about a thousand times, I need to go to the gym.  I wanted to go.  But I couldn’t get there.  Why couldn’t I just get off my ass?

I felt weak and dumb.  I didn’t feel like I was “rebelling”.  I just felt like there was a force field between me and there.  Like I couldn’t get there.  I realized that between doing something or taking a punishment, I will take my autonomy and their punishment every time just because I can.  To prove my freedom now.

But seriously, I’m 35.  They aren’t going to get me anymore.  Half of my brain knows that, if I hold my head to the side and smack it, will my lizard brain get it?   It gets exhausting trying to prove myself to them, especially since they aren’t there anymore.  And since what I was rebelling against was healthy for me and something I wanted.

This is one of the consequences of emotional and physical abuse.  Now that the SCARY is internalized the problems with authority and internalized and I have to be at the gym in 42 minutes explaining how we’re going to have to come up with different language so that I can get my ass to the gym while I work on the cobwebs in this new dark corner that’s been lit up for me.  And not feel like a jerk or a delicate flower or make her feel like a jerk.

weight loss photos

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I hate the pre weight loss pictures.  They are unflattering.  Horrible poses.  Terrible lighting.   No personality.  Some people can be overweight and happy.  Dress in ways that are flattering or at least not boring and have fun.  This country equates fat with unlovable.

The post weight loss pictures always have a make over, better clothes, better lighting.  Whatever.

I call bullshit.  You are lovable if you goldang say so.  If you can love others.

So, here are some of my before photos.  But what is brewing in my head, is something different.  I think since I want to incorporate my love of dance and movement.  I think I want to post occasional videos of me moving and dancing.  Because I think it’s important to see attitude, spirit, soul.  And I’ve had that even when I was at my biggest at 265.

 

Age 14, weigh unknown - was a dance teacher and dancing competitively

Age 14, weigh unknown - was a dance teacher and dancing competitively

 

35th Birthday, about to get my present

35th Birthday, about to get my present

 

35, New Years

35, New Years

 

 

 

Weight as of this AM:  215

two steps forward and one step back

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On my last exercise with my trainer in our last session, I got injured.  And I have spent almost all of the time since Feb 24th medicated and in bed.

I can’t make it through an entire shopping trip without having to wait in the car and rest.

I can’t sleep on my side or front.

I can’t have sex, there are work-arounds but since my mom is one of my readers my story is that I can’t have sex.

I can’t carry more than 10 pounds.

 

But one of the biggest bummers is that I can’t work out and my chiropractor says it’ll take a long time to get me to where I was when I had started.  And I had come a long way.  I had only lost 5 pounds, but I was getting my cheekbones back and strength.

I went to the ER and I don’t have a spinal or a disc injury, thank goodness.  I just have a really sprained back.  And as soon as I can, I need to start walking 20 minutes a day and working up to more.  And she my chiropractor gave me core exercises I  can do in bed, while I’m lying around.

My chiropractor, who is also a nutritionist suggested that I cut out all inflammatory foods and pretty much stick to meats and veggies while I am laying around and to drink a ton of water.  So, I am going to try to go back on the Fat Flush Diet which fits those criteria and is also limited in its calories during the beginning which should match up with my down time.  Because I am really blue about this and I am hoping that a food plan to focus on will make sure I don’t gain a bunch of weight.

 

(weight 118)

5 6 7 8

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The student shall become the teacher shall become the student and so on.

We meet at 7:00am.  I haven’t had to admit that there was a 7:00am for years.  This means I wake up at 5:15am, I usually see this from the still awake (insomnia or out having an adventure) end.

He’s bright-eyed, chipper and 12-years younger than I am.  OK schnookums, let’s go.  He’s a good teacher and a great personal trainer.  I am really enjoying going to the Gold’s Gym in Oakland.  I taught tap dance from when I was 14-17, in a dance studio in Fair Oaks, CA.  I loved that place it was my only outlet and my refuge from the church.  My dad and I were connected there, he always showed up and graded his student’s paperwork.  My dance teacher idolized him.

My dance teacher was a hard ass.  She was somewhere between 70 and 300, she always had a matching pastel pant-suit on.  She taught about 7 or more classes a day.  Woe unto you if you chewed bubble gum in her class, her girl’s weren’t cheap.  I got to work out aggression and practice my passion almost every day.  I tried to ignore the adolescent politics and just remained quiet because I was scared of the other kids.  Except my dance partner, N, I adored her.

Your head was filled with the routine, the form, the chatter of the day.  LaVerne would yell 5  6  7  8  and your brain would clear and you would start to dance.  Or you would choke, either way your brain would clear.

LaVerne Krei taught me to teach dance and I was a kinder, gentler hard ass.  I loved teaching, leading a group.  I loved the preparation.  Thinking about where each kid was and how to move them a bit forward each class.  How to choreograph.  I loved serving the kids in that way.  Teaching them to trust me, being trustworthy for them.  Not letting them fall and encouraging them.  Being silly with them while still being an authority.  The fine balance of leadership that I started to learn at 14, in a leotard in tap shoes.  Teaching them to listen for my count.  5  6  7  8

One of the biggest benefits of learning to dance for so long – body mimicry.  Once I see something done I can most likely be at least 80% on my way to repeating it.  I may not have the strength to do it.  If it’s a flip, I’m out of luck.  But learning how to learn is one of the best things I learned.

That serves me now as I am releasing weight and utilizing a personal trainer to help me learn techniques and how to best use the weights and equipment to get me toward my goals.  He counts and I breathe.  I trust him and allow my body to believe it can do what he is asking it to do.  He’s there to catch me if it goes wonky.  5  6  7  8.  OK rest for 30 and give me another set.

I let him count and I do my job.

ring ring

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That’s not really true, but it’s weird to type (ravey downloaded ringtone ravey downloaded ringtone)

I answer the phone.
The voice on the other end is menacing.
It says…”Hello” and then “I would like to confirm our appointment for Friday at 10am. Make sure you have a balanced breakfast with protein about two hours beforehand.”

I shallowly respond, “Yes, I understand. I’ll be there.”

They respond with a brief but professional, “Thank you very much. See you tomorrow.”

Day 1 with a personal trainer. This is going to be interesting.

Day 1 at the gym

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I walked into the Salsa class, ready to get my wiggle on. I was so excited.

“JAB”
“HOOK”
“UPPER CUT”
“SLIDE”

Um… oh snap… New girl got it wrong. This isn’t Salsa. I walked into Advanced Cardio KickBoxing.

I’m not walking out.
“JAB”
“HOOK”
“UPPER CUT”
“SLIDE”

I will modify it. It’s all about modifying and learning the choreography. I don’t have to be perfect.

“JAB”
“HOOK”
“UPPER CUT”
“SLIDE”
“DO THE JACKIE CHAN!”

If that means break every bone in my body, I’m leaving. Oh good.

“JAB”
“HOOK”
“UPPER CUT”
“SLIDE”
“ARMS UP”
“DEFENSE”

The teacher was amazing, and yes it hurts to type. Some people left the class early, I didn’t. Maybe it was pride. Maybe it’s because I wouldn’t have liked it if somebody had walked out of one of my classes back in the day, when I was a dance teacher.

But I finished, the teacher said I did an excellent job. I don’t think I would have harmed anyone but I got some killer cardio.

I was really proud of myself, I’m gonna fall down now.

bullhorn (check) parachute (wait)

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I’ve noticed a pattern in my life.  I make a pretty big and grandiose announcement of something that my intuition and foresight knows that I need.  Great big announcement.

Such as this…

I’ve done all of this mental and emotional work.  Now I’m going to work on my physical….  I will call it project hotness.  It will be so great, etc…

It’s ok if you don’t remember.   I almost forgot too.  You see there was a lot of stuff going on.  And there was more emotional and mental stuff to do.  Oh and there was ice cream.  And other things.  But mostly ice cream.

So, this pattern of making giant declarations in my life and on the internet and then screaming, running away from them and doing the opposite for a while is maybe part of my process.  I really feel like I should feel really bad about it.  Probably because I do.  I feel like talking really loud will persuade myself into doing the right thing.

Life and some exquisite avoidance and rationalization happened and I don’t really fit into my clothes.  I know this feeling.  This head fuck.  This depression.  This hole.  I know this and I’ve got to get out.  Because I know where I am.  I’m just gaining and gaining.  And I know that I’m at that place at over 200 again.  Where if I blink I’m going to be at 250.  I was once 265, maybe 280 and if I get back to 250, I’m going to want to die.

One of the problems is that I can make a fantasy that it’s ok.  I get hit on a couple times a week.  My boyfriend has no change in desire for me with my body changes.  I feel sexy.  So, I can think that everythings ok, everything’s fine.  Except that it’s not.  And at this rate, I’m gonna be the sexiest corpse you’ve ever seen.

(But before I get all “Cabaret” about it… Let’s talk math)

I got a gym membership last week.  E and I were out and had been talking about joining a gym for a while, and I was attracted to the Gold’s Gym in Oakland because they’ve got daily dance classes and I’m a dancer.  It seems to really hold Oakland’s amazing energy and I love that.

Yesterday I got my fitness test…

weight:  221.5

body fat %: 41.7 (this number was so brutal)

lean body mass: 129 lbs

pounds of fat on my body: 92.5

I have 4 weight loss goals…

  1. drop to 199 pounds by April 1
  2. then 180
  3. then 160
  4. then 160 but with a different lean body to body fat ratio- I don’t remember now.

With my lean body mass and a healthy amount of body fat for a woman, I shouldn’t go under 155-160 because I am a sturdy girl.

We are working on a nutrition plan and I will be working with a personal trainer. And I have to hit the gym 5 times a week if I want to make my goals and get healthy.

I was told today to accentuate the positive.  But I think I’ve been doing that too much.  I don’t want my heart to explode.  That’s what the Pastor always told me would happen to my dad.  I always worried about my parents’ health.

What about mine?  All of a sudden, 35 doesn’t feel young.  It did on Sunday.  It’s funny, when I was so much thinner and a dancer all I worried about my looks.  Now I’m confident (maybe to the point of narcissistic about my looks) and I am worried about my health, about diabetes.

Spiritual and physical abuse isn’t the only pattern that needs to be broken.  It seems that I need to also work on the cycle of self harm through food, or perhaps consumption.  Putting stuff in my mouth to temporarily make me feel better or numb and get through the momentary pain or boredom.  It’s all part of my disassociative behavior.

It feels kinda good to tell you my numbers.  Liberating in a way.  Once I was at a business mixer and a woman told me that I was fatter than I was.  I asked, “what does that mean?”.  She realized what she said and looked embarrassed and then she said that I didn’t carry myself like someone who was so fat.

That always stuck with me.  Is it a compliment?  I don’t know.

Project Hotness Update

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version 2…

version 2.5…

I don’t know.

Project hotness has many arms.  It’s not just about my physical appearance.  It’s about my health.  I hear things from my doctor that sound like, now that you’re 35, you have to watch your (blah blah something or other).

So, I started and then seriously fell off the wagon.  I’ve been going to a lot of therapy and discussing my eating disorder, and my meds have been changed so that the chemistry set that is my body is doing stuff chemically.  I’ve also started accupunture to work on the chronic anxiety and imbalances.  Right now I’ve got needle nubs in my ears that I can press up to 5 times a day for 5 seconds.  I’ve had two shamanic healing sessions that have helped me focus and get clarity and have also helped with the crippling anxiety.  I’m not supposed to wash me ears.  ew.  I’ve got a new eating and exercise plan that E and I start tomorrow. 

So, I did what people who want to lose weight and get healthier do the night before they start.  I ate too much and I feel icky.  Tomorrow we start the plan and it’s my goal to keep to it.  I’ve got a lot of weight to lose.

Wish me luck, cause I’m scared and feeling feelings.

hotness

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I am working on Project Hotness, and making some stellar progress.   I have to catch you up on so many things!

Last week, I got a shamanic energy healing!   And I was nervous and a little bit skeptical.  But then I’ve had exorcisms done.  I didn’t know how to act.  I just had to relax, which I generally have trouble doing.  But Chris was amazing and I relaxed easily.  My chakras were opened and I was able to talk about all kinds of things.  Including my abuse of food and alcohol.  I also opened up about some fears I have professionally.

I was so tired after wards, and by afterwards I mean about a week.  I slept every chance I got.  I drank a ton of water.  I haven’t wanted alcohol since then.  I was grocery shopping and it was interesting.  I wasn’t considering buying any, it was out of the question.  I’ve had a bit of chocolate since then and I lost interest.  I am not repulsed by these things now, I just haven’t been drawn to them in a week.  Amazing.

I took myself out on a date and sat on the pier of Lake Merritt with a bottle of sparkling water,  I sat and watched the water and the lights, I felt the wind and was blissed out.  I emailed Chris and told her I was afraid I was going to snap out of the happy!  I was afraid that it can’t be easy.  I guess it can.

hmmmmmm.   So, in my learned opinion… Shamanic energy healings are a million times better than an exorcism.  And I didn’t get yelled at in “tongues” while people put olive oil on me.  There are only a few people I would let put olive oil on me now, and they aren’t it.

Also, since my session, my inspiration for Project Hotness is growing and fitting together.  The other project that I’ve been stewing on is sprouting and need to make some movement on that.  But I feel giddy, abundant and creative.  I feel like I can throw open any door and see if I can explore inside.

This morning I got ready and just kept putting on the funky stuff!  I mean, cowboy hat, the short black dress, knee socks and pirate shoes.  It was pure silliness, but I have a gig right now that has a loose dress code and self expression is encouraged.

With a giggle, I strutted out of my apartment.  There was a man.  He said, “you made me just want to make a new friend today.  Hi, I’m Steven.”

“Hi, Steven.  I’m Suzi.”

He said he wanted to call me.

I said that was sweet, but my boyfriend probably wouldn’t be down with that.

He said, “cool, I respect that.  But when a girl makes your day you have to say hello”.

I told him he made my day too!

So, I feel light and giddy.   I can feel all of my inner gears shifting.  And I am very excited about what’s coming up, and yes I am going to take my time.