Tag Archives: PTSD

Dissociation

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Dad has been dead for 54 days, of those I spent 38 with mom.  I didn’t know that I could do that.  My PTSD has manifested different symptoms since then.  I am home now and the other night I woke up screaming.  I am having dreams ranging from intense to terrible nightmares several times a week, even some of my recurring nightmares from when I was a kid are back.

I had two dads: dad 1.0 and dad 2.0.  Almost everyone that was in dad’s life now, knew dad 2.0.  Dad 2.0 had done a lot of healing and recovering personally from the experiences of dad 1.0.  People should learn, grow and change.  However, Dad 1.0 and I had a lot of hard times.  I feel like such a jerk that I am feeling so much rage at Dad 1.0, because I knew Dad 2.0 was a different man.  I honestly didn’t know Dad 2.0 very well.   His community looks at me through the eyes of people who knew and loved Dad 2.0 (they never met the beta version) and I feel brittle and petty.  What right do I have to be harmed by things that happened so many years ago?  I feel like he helped so many people, why can’t I just get over it?  I can’t because I can’t.

While I was in California, I missed a conference that I wanted to go to about cult survivors. The focus was on SGAs (Second Generation Adults), people who were born in cults and have no identity before the spiritual abuse.

I am just starting to really grieve, I have never grieved like this.  I feel like a core sample of my body froze and fell out.  Grief throbs like a tooth ache, from numb, to dull pain to excruciating.  I didn’t realize that grief would be so physical.  While in California, I was helping mom and now it’s my turn for me to realize that he’s really dead.  Also, the fantasy of our relationship is also dead.  The hope that we would ever be truly at ease and comfortable with each other is dead.  Anything that we may have shared isn’t possible because we aren’t a we.  The hope that one day I would have kids and he would be a fantastic grandfather.  Dad 2.0 was an awesome grandpa, I was terrified to let Dad 1.0 around any of my potential children.  Fantasy and those hopes are dead.

My fantasy world is doing much better than it should be.  I am not here in this body, this state or this reality.  The dissociation I deal with as part of my PTSD are fully active and engaged.  I think I have almost been in four car accidents since I got home.  Waves of the past wash over me and a part of my brain slams on the brakes and I miss a fender bender.  I feel myself being thrown into a refrigerator or my head being grabbed and my hair cut off again.  I am stuck in this nightmarish loop of memories.  The echoes of letters from Dad 1.0 that  I found in his filing cabinet while cleaning up for mom are haunting me.  His words about how I have been subject to every degradation possible.  I realize that so much of my negative self talk, these demons that fly around bashing into my skull are echoed in this writing.  What I thought was my self loathing is fully scripted out in these writings I found.

It all came from somewhere, that is comforting and horrifying.  Where did his self loathing come from?  I don’t think I’ll get to know.

And I love him.  He did so many wonderful things.  And I feel robbed and angry.  And now he’s dead.  What am I supposed to do with that?

Well, I am trying to ground.  Trying to let my feelings flow and not get into car accidents.  I am moving to liberate the grief from it’s crevices.  I’ve been talking and swimming and dancing.  I am trying not to be numb.

This morning after a very frustrating phone call, I realized that I was stuck and numb.  It was raining outside, pouring.  I was told to do physical things when I feel emotionally numb and detached.  I grabbed my bath towel and put it on the lawn and laid on it in my pajamas.  My skin gets very sensitive when my adrenal system is stressed and I feels like nerve endings are shooting out my pores.  It felt like the rain was stabbing me.  I started to breathe and my system started to calm down.  The rain started to feel like rain again and not a thousand razors.  I stayed out there for a long time feeling the cold, feeling the rain, feeling the ground.  Just being there and grateful that none of the neighbors were out and about.

I sat up and the sobs welled up in my chest.  I cried and cried and watched a frog eat a bug.   I cried and saw two bright red cardinals hiding from the rain.  I cried and watched the raindrops follow a very complicated labyrinth to the ground and the little frog sitting in the perfect spot to have the rain miss him.  I cried until I was done.  I stared at my pajama pants and saw the freckles from my legs showing through the fabric.  I did one thing at a time.

My tears pushed out the anger so that compassion was next in queue.  Now it’s compassion’s turn for the next little while.

My dad was very human and so am I.

New world in an old place

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In the last two weeks, I have faced two of my biggest fears: the death of my father and being on stage again in front of members of my old cult.  It has been so exhausting.  In a lot of ways, I have been so busy planning the memorial and helping my mom transition that I feel like maybe later I can process.  Just trying to put one step in front of the other.

Oh mom, what are we gonna do?  I have had a lot of business endeavors, but now I am scalp deep in the business of closing down a life.  TV is blaring, mom is sleeping and I am writing while trying not to freak out.  I am grateful that I have the opportunity to care for my mom in this way.  I wish that my brother and E could be here too.  Today, I think it kind of hit us that he was over.  I can chronicle the growing list of “he will nevers” or “I will nevers”.  I make those lists when I can’t sleep.  In the few moments where I am alone in the day, I break down.

It helps me to look at the next steps as a business…
Understand income
Understand and lower expenses
Document everything
Create emergency systems

I think it is good that my parents don’t live at the same house that I grew up in, there aren’t any ghosts here for me.  Unless dad is lurking about, I don’t think he is.  I think he would take a few trips before coming home first.

It has been extremely uncomfortable being surrounded by Christianity.  I was the “emcee” at my dad’s memorial service and I heard someone say that it was the best church service they had been to.  I don’t think they know that it was put together by two atheists.  It was quite a balance to honor my dad’s faith and stay true to my boundaries.  It was hard to be in a church.  I know that it would make my mom happy if I went to church with her on Sundays, but I can’t do that.  I won’t trigger and harm myself.  Also, I know that she would be self conscious of my experience.  In this time where she needs her community and her traditions, I don’t want to put my trauma and discomfort in the foreground.  But I will keep myself safe from incurring more.

I am afraid of my boundaries and mental health.  I am afraid to leave the house because I want to protect my mom.  I should take breaks and take care of myself, but I feel like there is this giant mountain of work to do.  I feel like if I don’t get something done every second that there will be peril and further loss.  It’s ok to take the time to write this because I am simultaneously hacking into my dad’s laptop because we don’t know his passwords.

Looks like I’ve made some progress on the hack.  Write you later.

hyperarousal – day 4

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Not as sexy as it sounds.

So many aspects of my life have come together to create my emotional state.

Jumpy

Fearful

Super sensitive to noise-especially sudden noise

Trembling

Loss of hope for future

Worn out and exhausted

Productive because my tunnel vision has to go somewhere.  glad it’s productive today.

I was going through an old notebook and I found the table of contents for my book.  I’ve been so busy trying to survive in the last few years, that I’ve really neglected that part.

Right now, I just feel like a mass of inadequate treading through a murky swamp of failure.

But, it’ll be fine.

Workshop for those born or raised in cultic groups

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Workshop for those born or raised in cultic groups coming up next month. Tell others. Register now.
National Online Information and Registration:  http://icsahome.com/pdf/fax_mail_sga.pdf

Surviving and Moving On After a High-Demand Group Experience: A Workshop for Second-Generation Former Members (SGAs)

Friday 3:00 PM April 26, 2013 to Sunday 2:00 PM April 28, 2013

Guest House Retreat & Conference Center, 318 West Main Street, Chester, CT 06412 (860–322–5770)

Meeting annually since 2006, this workshop addresses the needs of SGAs through presentations by specialists and former members, including discussions in which attendees may participate according to their comfort levels. Special attention is paid to the need of SGAs for privacy, reflection, and working at their own pace.

Workshop subjects include:

  • critical thinking
  • socialization, culture shock, and acculturation
  • psychological development, boundaries, and trust
  • long-term psychological, educational, and emotional effects of growing up in a culture of abuse and neglect
  • relationships with families and others
  • resiliency

Fees include Friday dinner and sleeping room, Saturday meals and sleeping room, and Sunday breakfast and lunch.  Single $400; Double $325.  ICSA members may deduct $25 from fees.  For more information e-mail ICSA (mail@icsamail.com) or go online: http://icsahome.com/pdf/fax_mail_sga.pdf

Am I Being Emotionally Abused – 6 Signs the Answer Could Be Yes

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I am analyzing patterns from my life.  And realizing that I am so used to emotional abuse that I can bring the habits of the abuse victim into relationships.  So I am studying emotional abuse, I hope to be able to recognize better when I am in a victim cycle.  Ever deal with a beaten dog, you raise your voice or make a gesture with your arm and they expect harm.  In a lot of ways, I do that.  Always expect to be harmed, even when it’s not coming.  This is a really difficult part of my PTSD, trying to break the symptoms of hyper vigilance and hyper arousal.

In my research, I found this great article.

Am I Being Emotionally Abused – 6 Signs the Answer Could Be Yes

By

Relationships have challenges and require work and effort on the part of both partners. However, there are instances where the dynamic within the relationship is unhealthy, and one or both partners are behaving consistently in patterns that attempt to control and emotionally wound the other person. If you are feeling inferior, incompetent, and even crazy around your partner much of the time, this merits a closer look into the way your partner is treating you. Here are 6 signs that you may be involved in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship:

1. Your partner puts you down. This activity may occur in public or in private, and may consist of swearing and/or name calling. More subtle criticisms may be expressed, such as disapproval of the way you do things, who you are as a human being, or even your level of mental health. In general, your partner presents him or herself as knowing the “right” way to do things, and refuses to take responsibility for mistakes or wrongdoing, preferring to make it your fault, or a character flaw in you.

2. Your partner does not want you to have access to work and educational opportunities, discouraging you from activities that would ensure your independence from your partner.

3. Your partner attempts to wield control your daily activities. You may feel as if you must make report and defend or justify the way you spend your time during the day. You may even find yourself choosing activities you know your partner will approve of, just to avoid an unpleasant battle later.

4. Your partner manipulates or controls you using sex. Rather than an expression of love, comfort, or passion between you, your partner either demands physical affection and satisfaction, regardless of your preferences, or deliberately withholds affection and intimacy from you. In both instances, your partner is using sex to control you and keep you subject to his or her whim.

5. Your partner tries to limit your time spent with outside family and friends. He or she may prohibit you from seeing certain people, or you may hear manipulative statements such as, “I can’t believe you would choose to go to dinner with him over dinner with me.” This tactic accomplishes a couple things for the emotional abuser. It asserts your partner’s control over you, and it also isolates you. When your time is limited with loved ones, their affirming, positive messages about you, as well as any criticism they may have about your partner, is also limited. It helps keep you firmly planted in the world your partner is creating for you.

6. Your partner suggests that there will be consequences for not obeying or complying with his or her demands. This may be peppered with occasional generous or kind behaviors, but these are generally strategic attempts to draw you back in to the relationship if it appears you may be pulling away. As soon as you are back under control, the emotionally and psychologically abusive behavior starts again.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1928876

Sad Kid

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There’s a really cute picture of me when I am five.  Recently, someone looked at it and said that my smile looked fake and my eyes looked sad.  I have looked at that picture many times since then and it has brought back a lot of memories.  I was abused in a lot of ways, but emotional abuse is always at the core.  I wish I could have helped restore that girl’s trust, but it was broken so many times.

Evident Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abused Child What to Look for when You Feel a Child is Being Abused, Emotionally
by Viktorya Hale

The silent abuse… There are no physical bruises or scars. The pain is hidden deep into the heart and soul, where no one can see. Emotional abuse can only be felt. When we have love for people, especially children, we automatically want to help heal any pain. I am blessed with one thing, for sure. That is the ability to see pain through the eyes of the hurting.

I wanted to share some signs that you could look for if you suspect that a child is being emotionally abused. Just so you know, I am a counselor in training. I am working towards a Bachelors in Psychology, but I am no counselor as of yet. What I share are my own experiences and observations.

The first thing that an emotionally abused child has lost is trust. What happens is as a baby, a child learns to trust their care takers. They have no choice, because they are born to be nurtured therefore they need to have trust. Over a period of time when a child is being torn down emotionally, they begin losing trust. When this happens, they bottle up and become distant. You may find that an emotionally abused child is distant and not very trusting of you. They won’t easily talk to you or they will put up a guard in efforts to “protect” them self. Until that trust is built back up (by you) they will never trust you, even if you have done nothing to abuse that trust. They had it once and lost it… it is up to us to find it again.

An emotionally abused child is bitter and cold. If they aren’t sad, they are snippy. An emotionally abused child may have constant mood swings from sadness to anger. They won’t show emotion for others who may be sad or hurting. For example, if another child gets hurt, they won’t show emotion or care towards them. It’s as if they have completely shut down their emotions to those around them.

Emotional abuse is the core for all abuse. There are many things that are involved in emotional abuse. Some examples are inconsistent tendencies, cruel behaviors towards others, being ignored or rejected. A lot of times these may come across as insignificant behaviors, but these are signs of an emotionally abusive situation.

A child needs constant nurturing in order for them to strive. It is an essential part of their development. They need it to build confidence and esteem. If they are ignored or rejected, they are being deprived of a necessity and therefore being abused. This is all too prevalent in today’s society.

There is a sad reality in how an emotionally abused child is cared for in today’s world. The simple fact is that they are not. Unfortunately, a child who isn’t physically abused cannot find help through intervention, like CPS. Often times the children are left in this living environment and they grow up, suffering from emotional neglect and abuse.

We can be a light for them by gaining their trust, listening to them and making them feel like they are worthy. It make take time, but sometimes we are their only hope. Look for the sad and lonely or stand-offish child. Most likely they are being emotionally abused or neglected. Sometimes it just takes a hug or smile to make their day.

I see it right in my own neighborhood that there are children who are constantly neglected by their parents. They are brought down to feel low, they are cursed at and always rejected. The cycle continues and parents don’t realize that they need to be the one to break that cycle. We cannot take our own hurts and pain and pass them down to our children.

Emotional abuse hurts deep within, causes pain, bitterness, strife and is detrimental to our children who should be loved and nurtured on a day to day basis. Let’s do our part and love a child who may be hurting today.

Lost Sister

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I miss you.  You were fleet and your blonde hair streamed behind you, an amazing runner.  I remember hanging out in your backyard and in your garage talking about how you were going to be in the Olympics and I was going to be on Broadway.  We worked for hours one day trying to get the words for Supersonic right.

“You see, the ‘S’ is for super and the ‘U’ is for unique The ‘P’ is for perfection and you know that we are freaks The ‘E’ is for exotic and the ‘R’ is for raps So tell those nosy people just to stay the hell back.”  We would of course say heck and I don’t know how we got access to that song.

You had the corniest sense of humor and would slay me.  You knew when to be quiet and I envied that.  You laughed at me when I tried to run and I laughed at you when you danced.

I wouldn’t laugh now.  Now that I have danced in so many other ways beside competitive and technical, I understand that each body dances its’ soul’s expression and sometimes the people who are trained dancers are the farthest away from their soul.  Or maybe that was just me, I was so repressed, that I was shut off from my soul and although I danced well, it was empty.  My mind and soul were completely disassociated from my body.

But running grounded you, you needed to be free.  When you ran, you got the moments of peace, rhythm and silence that you needed so much.

I left you when I left the church.

You found my number once and called me.  Told me bad news and horrible things, your world was the same except worse and mine was getting better, so I thought.  I tried to comfort you.

The other sisters from that broken family have been found, but I can’t find you.

Where are you?

I miss you terribly and love you so dearly, no matter what the years have done.  I’ve had years too.

Love you,

Suzi

Vicious Cycle

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Complete depression and paralysis…

I feel absolutely paralyzed.  I found out about another potentially huge financial setback last week.  I have been seized by panic and now paralysis.  I am trying to work as I have deadlines all week.  Big ones.  And I doubt myself, fear and am unable to make progress.

I have promises to keep and they are very important to me.

And I feel like I am staring up at a tidal wave that is building and building and about to crash down and destroy me.

This panic has triggered my ptsd so much and I have to force every inch of work that I am sure I am capable of doing.  However, in this emotional obstacle course I have to hurdle the panic and then swim through the self loathing.

And I wish I could wish this away, the ptsd and paralysis.  And I know that I have to get more work, but I fear that more deadlines will cause more fear, more paralysis and am I setting myself up for mental harm again.

I wish I could go back to the days before my nervous breakdown, when I didn’t know I was so fragile.

I hate being fragile.

Reflection and Hope

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I hope that 2012 has been kind to some.  For me, it was a difficult year.  2012 was also a year of tremendous learning, but as one of my best friends says… “Education isn’t cheap, you get it one way or the other”.

So, goodbye 2012, I don’t think I’m going to miss you.  It’s been a year of: reconnection with family, new friends, the sweetest love and saddest loss, many births and deaths and broken hearts.

I feel like I have a clear path of intent for 2013, not that I expect it to go according to plan.  But, if I get my way…  I will get a chance to work on a lot of the issues that I have been accepting and that I would really love to grow up around.

It makes sense that I would have a lot of the issues that I have especially since I grew up as I did.  I have this sneaky side to me and it comes from not being able to have privacy and living in a cult(ure) of exposure, public humiliation and forced confession.  Sometimes I feel that to have something of my own, I need to hide it.

This sneaky behavior shows up for me in food, drink, money, sex, in just about every aspect of my life.  It has affected every relationship that I have been in.  I don’t want to have this anymore.  I want to be as trustworthy as I tell myself that I am.  These ghosts that I carry in my heart and memory still harm my life, since I was programmed to give everything away.

I need to able to have boundaries and be able to move past these habits and the really destructive consequences of them.  That is my hope.  By going really deep inside, I hope that I will find the balance and healing, so that these issues can be resolved.

I am my own worst enemy

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In times of doubt, I seem to return to They Might Be Giants.  I have lived in doubt about myself and my relationship since October.  I have lived in fear.

Again the theme in my life is, “why isn’t love enough?”.  It never is.  In the last years, I quit drinking… well, drinking like I used to.  I have less than four cocktails a month.  I was on my own for 7 weeks, while E traveled and I only drank on my brother’s 40th birthday.

In the last three months, I have worked a lot on my relationship with food.  I’ve lost 30 pounds and much of the compulsive behavior is gone.

I see the damage I do.  The trusts I break.  I know why it happens.  I know why the wiring in my head is so fucked up.  But, you know…so what.  I don’t care that it’s so jacked.  I want to be a whole human, who can take care of herself and be complete in the world.

I am exhausted of feeling dependent in the world, emotionally and in other ways.  I need time to make it on my own.  I feel like that is the next step in my growth.  Being the sole source of support in my life.

I’ve been on my own for about 2 months in my adult life and then I wasn’t really.