A Love Letter

To the pair of Anne Klein, hound’s-tooth with black patent-leather trim heels I left behind:

I’ve loved shoes before, but I’ve never tried on a pair that made me feel like you did. You want me to succeed, you know I can go anywhere and make them love me. You want me to be brilliant and beautiful. You want wealthy potential customers to notice me. I was afraid I’d let you down. I tried on your 8.5 sister and she told me about you, my beautiful size 8. When I think about your sweet buckles I want to weep.

I hope you understand why I left you behind, you begged me to take you. You put yourself on sale for me, believe me I noticed. I stepped into you and felt your immediate embrace, it shocked me. So familiar, but new and intense. I walked around in you, fantasizing that you were mine already. You did that alignment thing that perfect heels do. You’ve got skills and I don’t think I’ll truly ever forget you.

Trust me, it’s not you… it’s me. I couldn’t have you. You don’t come alone. I would have wanted you to feel at home. A pair like you needs to be taken care of, and I didn’t want to do this half-assed. I want you to wait for me. If I had you now, I’d be buying new suits and probably a new car to match you. I know you’re ready for me, I’m just not ready for the kind of commitment something as perfect as you really needs.

Wait for me, my sweet. You were too perfect I’ll come for you when I’m ready and I’ll be waxed and pedicured and prepared.

Anxiously,

Feisty

My first pair of GoGo boots!

I had wanted a pair for so long, but they didn’t make them in my size.  I was devastated, I would try the boots on and they wouldn’t zip up.  I had been losing weight for a while and was averaging about 5 pounds a month for 18 months straight.  It was about to be my 30th birthday.  I was having a huge birthday party at my house.  We had rented a pool table for the kitchen, a foosball table for the living room, a stand-up Galaga, our swimming pool was ready to go, the barbecue was gassed up and the piñata was full and ready to have the crap beaten out of it.

A few days before my birthday, my BFF A and her husband M had purchased me a birthday present.  I couldn’t wait, and we opened it together.

HOT

PINK

VINYL

GOGO

BOOTS

squish

It was like slipping my legs into shiny sexy candy.  I was so excited, I had been losing so much weight and hadn’t tried a pair on in a while.  They zipped almost all of the way up.  I was so sad, but they WERE SO CLOSE, I had to keep them.  A said that I was losing weight so fast let’s just hold on to them for a while.  I loved them…

The day of my birthday I was nervous to put them on.  A came over early and helped me and my partner (now ex) get ready for the party.  We tried on the boots again, and I couldn’t believe it. On my 30thbirthday, they zipped up, all the way up.  And I strutted around for hours, so excited!  I called up her husband M, and said… “THEY FIT, THEY FIT!  Thank you, it’s a birthday miracle”.  And my dear friend M, said in a way that only he can….  “It’s like the baby Jesus killed your fatted calves for your birthday.”  I laughed so hard that I cried.

I have had many pairs of boots since then, but these my first will always be my favorites.  I laid them to rest this year because they had seen about 10 parties too many.  But they are immortalized in my heart and on the web.

RIP Pink Boots.

boots

A Lesson in How to be Cool

Step 1: Go grocery shopping alone.

Step 2: When people engage you in conversation in line, respond back and try to be nice

Step 3: realize they aren’t crazy people, but genuinely rad people

Step 4: think about how open and wonderful you are for talking to strangers

Step 5: engage the shopping clerk and the nice line people in sparkling conversation

Step 6: think about how you are a fabulous social hub

Step 7: pick up the plastic shopping bag with the sparkling apple juice

Step 8: don’t notice the bag has a hole in the bottom of it

Step 9: Try not to wince as the carbonated apple juice explodes as it hits the floor

Step 10: put the empty bag down

Step 11: look proud as they announce on the speaker “Clean Up in checkout”

Step 12: look proud as all the people you were talking to ask if you are ok

Step 13: look proud as you realize you are sticky up to your knees and covered in glass shards

Step 14: wait when they tell you to wait for the mop guy

Step 15: feebly attempt to look proud as you realize the puddle at your feet is getting really dark because of the old sneakers you are wearing

Step 16: try not to bolt as two mop guys show up and another runner guy shows up to get you another sparkling apple juice

Step 17: try to crack a joke by telling all the nice people who are now waiting as you become “that girl” that you just wanted to make sure the floor was clean for them.

Step 18: try not to melt into the floor as you almost slip in the leftover juice

Step 19: leave the store as soon as you are able

Step 20: sigh with relief as you are finally in your car

Step 21: try to get over your stickiness using brain power

Step 22: Failing that, suck it up and drive to the next errand

Step 23: be grateful that nobody at the next place was at the grocery store

Step 24: as soon as you are inside, try to pretend that your sugar coated sneakers aren’t going SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK with every step causing everyone you walk by to look at you

Step 25: Hope that at least this will make a good blog entry as you drink away your shame

Step 26: mmmm rum