Tag Archives: trust

ugly blue hoodie

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I left my home and church at the age of 17.  The circumstances were negative.  Very negative.  It’s complicated to grow up in a legalistic cult.  Leaving was the right thing.

As I left home, I grabbed my dad’s big giant blue hoodie.  This was 20 years ago when they were sweatshirts.  After dance practice, he used to wrap me up in it for warmth and modesty over my leotard.  I stole it when I left.  It was like stealing a hug that I could have whenever I wanted.

Years passed.  I wore through this giant eyesore of a sweatshirt.  I bought a new blue hoodie that was super giant.  It took a long time to break in.  It’s been 20 years and I am on my fourth.  In the years we were seperated and not talking, it was the thing that made me feel connected and held.

It feels good to be wearing it now.  And I will always have a way too big hoodie.

Years later I told him that I stole it, he laughed and said, “so that’s where that went”.

Sad Kid

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There’s a really cute picture of me when I am five.  Recently, someone looked at it and said that my smile looked fake and my eyes looked sad.  I have looked at that picture many times since then and it has brought back a lot of memories.  I was abused in a lot of ways, but emotional abuse is always at the core.  I wish I could have helped restore that girl’s trust, but it was broken so many times.

Evident Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abused Child What to Look for when You Feel a Child is Being Abused, Emotionally
by Viktorya Hale

The silent abuse… There are no physical bruises or scars. The pain is hidden deep into the heart and soul, where no one can see. Emotional abuse can only be felt. When we have love for people, especially children, we automatically want to help heal any pain. I am blessed with one thing, for sure. That is the ability to see pain through the eyes of the hurting.

I wanted to share some signs that you could look for if you suspect that a child is being emotionally abused. Just so you know, I am a counselor in training. I am working towards a Bachelors in Psychology, but I am no counselor as of yet. What I share are my own experiences and observations.

The first thing that an emotionally abused child has lost is trust. What happens is as a baby, a child learns to trust their care takers. They have no choice, because they are born to be nurtured therefore they need to have trust. Over a period of time when a child is being torn down emotionally, they begin losing trust. When this happens, they bottle up and become distant. You may find that an emotionally abused child is distant and not very trusting of you. They won’t easily talk to you or they will put up a guard in efforts to “protect” them self. Until that trust is built back up (by you) they will never trust you, even if you have done nothing to abuse that trust. They had it once and lost it… it is up to us to find it again.

An emotionally abused child is bitter and cold. If they aren’t sad, they are snippy. An emotionally abused child may have constant mood swings from sadness to anger. They won’t show emotion for others who may be sad or hurting. For example, if another child gets hurt, they won’t show emotion or care towards them. It’s as if they have completely shut down their emotions to those around them.

Emotional abuse is the core for all abuse. There are many things that are involved in emotional abuse. Some examples are inconsistent tendencies, cruel behaviors towards others, being ignored or rejected. A lot of times these may come across as insignificant behaviors, but these are signs of an emotionally abusive situation.

A child needs constant nurturing in order for them to strive. It is an essential part of their development. They need it to build confidence and esteem. If they are ignored or rejected, they are being deprived of a necessity and therefore being abused. This is all too prevalent in today’s society.

There is a sad reality in how an emotionally abused child is cared for in today’s world. The simple fact is that they are not. Unfortunately, a child who isn’t physically abused cannot find help through intervention, like CPS. Often times the children are left in this living environment and they grow up, suffering from emotional neglect and abuse.

We can be a light for them by gaining their trust, listening to them and making them feel like they are worthy. It make take time, but sometimes we are their only hope. Look for the sad and lonely or stand-offish child. Most likely they are being emotionally abused or neglected. Sometimes it just takes a hug or smile to make their day.

I see it right in my own neighborhood that there are children who are constantly neglected by their parents. They are brought down to feel low, they are cursed at and always rejected. The cycle continues and parents don’t realize that they need to be the one to break that cycle. We cannot take our own hurts and pain and pass them down to our children.

Emotional abuse hurts deep within, causes pain, bitterness, strife and is detrimental to our children who should be loved and nurtured on a day to day basis. Let’s do our part and love a child who may be hurting today.

Lost Sister

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I miss you.  You were fleet and your blonde hair streamed behind you, an amazing runner.  I remember hanging out in your backyard and in your garage talking about how you were going to be in the Olympics and I was going to be on Broadway.  We worked for hours one day trying to get the words for Supersonic right.

“You see, the ‘S’ is for super and the ‘U’ is for unique The ‘P’ is for perfection and you know that we are freaks The ‘E’ is for exotic and the ‘R’ is for raps So tell those nosy people just to stay the hell back.”  We would of course say heck and I don’t know how we got access to that song.

You had the corniest sense of humor and would slay me.  You knew when to be quiet and I envied that.  You laughed at me when I tried to run and I laughed at you when you danced.

I wouldn’t laugh now.  Now that I have danced in so many other ways beside competitive and technical, I understand that each body dances its’ soul’s expression and sometimes the people who are trained dancers are the farthest away from their soul.  Or maybe that was just me, I was so repressed, that I was shut off from my soul and although I danced well, it was empty.  My mind and soul were completely disassociated from my body.

But running grounded you, you needed to be free.  When you ran, you got the moments of peace, rhythm and silence that you needed so much.

I left you when I left the church.

You found my number once and called me.  Told me bad news and horrible things, your world was the same except worse and mine was getting better, so I thought.  I tried to comfort you.

The other sisters from that broken family have been found, but I can’t find you.

Where are you?

I miss you terribly and love you so dearly, no matter what the years have done.  I’ve had years too.

Love you,

Suzi

Vicious Cycle

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Complete depression and paralysis…

I feel absolutely paralyzed.  I found out about another potentially huge financial setback last week.  I have been seized by panic and now paralysis.  I am trying to work as I have deadlines all week.  Big ones.  And I doubt myself, fear and am unable to make progress.

I have promises to keep and they are very important to me.

And I feel like I am staring up at a tidal wave that is building and building and about to crash down and destroy me.

This panic has triggered my ptsd so much and I have to force every inch of work that I am sure I am capable of doing.  However, in this emotional obstacle course I have to hurdle the panic and then swim through the self loathing.

And I wish I could wish this away, the ptsd and paralysis.  And I know that I have to get more work, but I fear that more deadlines will cause more fear, more paralysis and am I setting myself up for mental harm again.

I wish I could go back to the days before my nervous breakdown, when I didn’t know I was so fragile.

I hate being fragile.

starting new work

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I am starting a new program to help me get my financial well being under control.  It’s good to work with others to bring clarity and accountability for me.  I hope that this will help me create a balance for my financial world and I can do it for myself.  It feels better to hold myself accountable than to have a partner enforce it.  Sitting with discomfort and fear is an important part of this program.  I am trying to have compassion for where I was a month ago, when I left E.

I feel like a slowly melting candle.  I feel like I am dripping hot remorse, regret, shame and grief as the reality of my breakup becomes more real.  It’s easy to think it’s not real, especially since we are still sharing a living space.  But then there are times like today where there are things that aren’t right to say and boundaries that must be maintained.

It’s a confusing time, I am so full of hope and grief.

different from here

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Call it waffling, call it perspective – I don’t know what to call it.  I just know that I don’t feel so absolute anymore.  This love is so big and so strong am I being spoiled thinking that I have to be perfect?  Is perfect what I expect?  I just don’t know.

Or perhaps, when the shit was hitting the fan I abandoned him?

I honestly can’t say.  Maybe yes to both?  When I am afraid and things are hard, I tend to burn them down.  Terrified to live in the gray and needing the binary of black and white, right and wrong.  Everything was good and evil when I was growing up and it’s more complicated now.

I don’t know which pattern to break.

But I do know about fundamental self doubt.  Back in the cult, you never knew when a confrontation would occur.  I grew up knowing that the accusation of anything can happen at anytime and with painful consequences, whether or not it was true.  The adult manifestation of this environment means that I instantly demonize myself.  If I see something I don’t like about me, it is evil and I am awful.  If you take issue with me, I will agree with what you say and then tell you many more ways in which I am deficient.

In the gray area and doubt of the last few months, I may have made myself the enemy.  I feel I have control over that.  The things that I need to change are real.  But were any of them dealbreakers?  I don’t know.  Did I not stand by him when things were really hard?  Yes I didn’t. I look at all the hard times when he has held steadfastly by my side in the last 4 years.  Did I bail when he needed me most?  When he needed me to be strong…   I felt like I was saving him from me when I broke up with him.  Perhaps I was running again.

Or is that demonizing me too?

Crap, everything sure looks different from here.

And I love him.  Breaking up sure felt right at the time, but I just don’t know.  So can I live in this gray area?  Should I?

The next right step

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I would call my engagement to E very successful.  An engagement is where you live with the intent of seeing if a relationship will be a good marriage.  Now we know.  I broke up with him before Christmas, because there are parts of me that need a lot of healing.

I love him so much that I can’t bear to heal at his expense anymore.  I don’t want to marry again knowing that there are things that I do that are harmful to me and my partner, at a core level.  He is amazing and the years we’ve been together have been beautiful and romantic.  Before we were together we were great friends.  I believe that will remain and always be true.

This healing I need to do on my own, without a partner.  I am terrified.  He and I always said to do the next right thing.  In a lot of ways, it breaks my heart to know that letting go is the next right thing.  There is also peace in it – some.

I am my own worst enemy

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In times of doubt, I seem to return to They Might Be Giants.  I have lived in doubt about myself and my relationship since October.  I have lived in fear.

Again the theme in my life is, “why isn’t love enough?”.  It never is.  In the last years, I quit drinking… well, drinking like I used to.  I have less than four cocktails a month.  I was on my own for 7 weeks, while E traveled and I only drank on my brother’s 40th birthday.

In the last three months, I have worked a lot on my relationship with food.  I’ve lost 30 pounds and much of the compulsive behavior is gone.

I see the damage I do.  The trusts I break.  I know why it happens.  I know why the wiring in my head is so fucked up.  But, you know…so what.  I don’t care that it’s so jacked.  I want to be a whole human, who can take care of herself and be complete in the world.

I am exhausted of feeling dependent in the world, emotionally and in other ways.  I need time to make it on my own.  I feel like that is the next step in my growth.  Being the sole source of support in my life.

I’ve been on my own for about 2 months in my adult life and then I wasn’t really.

destinations

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Being emotionally goal oriented is stupid.  Being mindful is hard.

Let me set a stage for you.  A female child walks into a room.  She knows that everyone in the room loves her.  She knows that everyone in the room can easily harm her physically or betray her, which would lead to more physical harm.

This child has to become good at quickly assessing risk.  She learns to smell who is in a bad mood and needs to be appeased.  She learns to sense when someone is irritable and needs a clever joke, a hug, a song or a dance.

She becomes hyper vigilant to survive.  There is someone always needing something.  She is taught to serve and ensure that everyone is appeased before she can relax and she is terrified that if she relaxes someone else can come in the room and be upset which will make all of her work invalid.

She is in such a stressful situation for her entire life that the part of her brain that tells her that she is safe never fully develops.  The neural connections have chosen to make other paths.  They decide to build up the fight, flight or freeze sections, because they are the ones getting used.

This child grows up and can barely tell the difference between her anxiety and her intuition.  She can know what you need, but not what she needs.  She realizes that she doesn’t actually know what people need and these survival habits turn into manipulations.  She gives what she thinks people need, because slowing down and asking them is vulnerable.  What if they need nothing or to be left alone?  What if their needs have nothing to do with you?  What is she supposed to do then?  She’s still running from the fear of pending pain and betrayal.  She feels like she better do something or something bad will happen.  Relaxation is not safe.

The only power she had growing up was in learning how to appease. As an adult, it turns into a need for control through manipulation, stemming from what seems the best intentions.  Her tool has become a weapon and she’s so busy swinging it around to make sure that she’s safe that she is unconsciously hitting people with this weapon.  She leaves damage.

I walked into a giant metaphorical mirror today.  It hurt.  Because there are places I want to go and be, finding out that I am try to pull strings and manipulate my way there is very painful.  Trying to force and cling to a desire or an outcome makes it flee.

It’s so hard to be mindful when you never feel like you’ve had the luxury to sit still.  Being mindful slows you down and makes your actions, words and feelings be present.  Being in the present helps you take the next right action.  Taking the next right action, leads you down the right path.

Seeing the end of a path and walking straight through and burning down every perceived obstacle seems to be my default style.  This is not an effective style for the person I want to be in the world.

Mindfulness is so painful and slow.  You see so much, you have to process so much, you have to care, weigh and balance so much.  Through mindfulness you can be who you want to be based on strong foundation and values.  Things bloom from mindfulness.

I wish my very scared lizard brain would start knowing that it is safe so that I can practice more mindfulness.

Because my boots are a bit singed on the bottoms.  Need to slow down, breathe, feel safe and nurture myself.  I’m so tired of running and fixing, would like to do some being now.  How can I do that and feel safe?

anxious

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You know how the acid rolls around your stomach?  Waiting for the other shoe to drop?  I know that I once did a speech about the sky not being full of shoes to drop on your head, but that’s hard for me to believe today.

Expectations are worthless and I fear that the reality that I know is fracturing.  Can I open my heart and mind to accept change or am I being a sucker?

I wish the cave would open so that the light can come back in.  I’m sorry this can’t make more sense right now, but it just can’t.