Compassion: Part 2

I’ve mentioned A&M before in my boots post.  They have one of the most beautiful marriages I’ve ever seen.  And they treasure and delight in each other more than a decade later (and they’re smokin hot).  One of the best things that M ever said to me is, “You’ve got to cradle each other with your words, keep each other safe.” That blew my mind.

I used to be addicted to sarcasm, before I heard M say this to me.  And, sure… I had my sarcastic relapses here and there, I really tried to change.  I feel that sarcasm keeps you on edge.  Keeps you from ever really being able to let your guard down around the ones you love, sarcasm reinforces emotional walls.   You can come close, but not too close.  Sure, it can be “funny” and it was hard to imagine my personality without my cutting wit, sharpened and ready to slice, dice and julienne you at a moments notices.

But I also found that in those silences, where I’m not thinking about what I’m going to say.  That life gets better.  I get to hear who you really are, what you really need, and what is going on with you.  I get to politely disengage from the barbs and find a softer way.  I used to run a networking chapter of all women business owners, and I took a lot of M’s wisdom to that podium.  I taught that it is better to be soft, to trust and to cradle each other with our words.  I feel that helped make me successful, and I feel it helped me really connect and make some good happen in the world.

Thanks, M.  In a sentence you changed my life for the better and I love you.

Schezuan Enchiladas

So, I called my dad yesterday. I rarely call, because I like my distance.

I asked how he was doing. He said he was in a car accident the night before. Hit by a driver who ran a red light. His head hit the driver side window. He saw it coming and had then chance to slow down a little, it’s not bad, he’s fine. He was put in an ambulance and taken to the hospital, given an MRI and home in two hours which is pretty unheard of.
I told him a story about my friends and the birth of their second child and how there were some issues. I said I was grateful that if it had to happen that it was their second child because things are hard and scary enough with the first child. He made this joke, “And the second child is disposable…”

 

Of course, I’m the second child. Bwahahaha I have no worth or value. I’m angry because I didn’t say anything. I’m disappointed because I laughed along with him. I have known and not known for a long time that I am brainwashed around him. I have a lot of problems standing up to him, unless I feel in danger. This isn’t a huge deal or a new trauma, I just feel a little sad about it because I have always wanted him to love me in the way that I want him to love me. And he doesn’t. Sometimes the people that are genetically tasked to you are unable to fill your emotional needs. It’s like going to a Chinese restaurant and being disappointed every time they don’t have enchiladas. I need to stop going there.