Tag Archives: weight

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I’m trying to make peace with and space for my gray area.  I’m trying to figure out what to do and where to go next and how to pay for it.  Life wasn’t easier when there was a rule for everything, but it was more clear.

I’m trying to figure out how to live well and work on the things that I need to and stay consistent.

Right now the focus is money and weight management.  I have plans and goals for working on both and I hope it works.  But I feel really wonky and depressed.  It could be the detox, it could be the impending hormonal fluctuation, it could also be that I am living with someone I love dearly and am separating from.

I really don’t want to separate, but it’s the right thing for now.  No matter what happens with this dear relationship, I still want to grow and be self sustaining.  I am so grateful that I had the huge gift of being with someone who supported me in a lot of ways, while I was going through a pivotal reconnoitering.  His emotional, mental and financial generosity has been a deep well and I have to learn how to stand on my two feet again.

I feel like the biggest fool and ingrate in so many ways, I think that standing on my own two feet is the right thing no matter what.  I regret that I felt that I had to be alone to do it.  But, that is my journey as what happens next happens.

 

raw

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I have nothing to numb my feelings.  None of my vices are being used at this time.  Alcohol is gone, cigarettes are gone, food is gone.

 

My fiancé is gone, helping his mother recover from a major surgery 3000 miles away.  He’s a good man.  I have never been alone for seven or more weeks.  I know that may not sound long, but it’s the longest I’ve ever been alone.

 

All of my demons are pouring out of me in the form of tears and after they are out, they stare me down.  I am in mourning, pain and doubt.  I hate it and I miss him.  I have cried every day.

 

I have been on a diet and in the last three weeks I have lost 13.6 pounds and 24.6 inches.  With physical loss there is always an emotional component.  It is hitting me so hard.

 

To make it worse, there is a lot of stuff going on in my family.  Medical stuff and also emotional stuff, I want to talk about it but it’s not appropriate yet or ever and that’s ok, some things are not the internet’s business.

 

The good news is that I’m not binging on food and alcohol and my trichotillomania* isn’t active.  But, I can feel everything and I don’t want to.  I want to have a break from the reality that is right now.  I want to fold up into my guy and I just don’t get to.  I miss everything about him and although I get to hear his voice every day I am aching.

 

I don’t want to cry to him, because I don’t want our interactions to be the low point in his day.  Things are going really well for him.  But we promised to tell the truth and my truth sucks right now.  So, I tell him and get love and reassurance that lasts for a while until the shrieking harpies come back.

 

I want to shut away and hide but duty calls.

 

*(later edit…since I mentioned the trich, I now have the itch…lovely.)

apart

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This is going into the second week of E being gone.  So, I am doing things!  Changing my food, quitting caffeine, reconnoitering my business and changing everything.  Maybe that will be a good distraction from the ache I feel, constantly.

I am officially pining.  Letters and cards are traveling from the East coast to the West.  I take care of the cats who will never have enough snuggles in the world.

Meanwhile, I have not struggled with many of the things that I have struggled with on my own.  I am grateful for the growth I see.  I have made many good decisions.  Except yesterday, where I may have jumped into a acquaintanceship that I was not quite ready for.  I want to please everyone and it sure seemed like the right thing to do.  Maybe it seemed like it was the right thing because it would make things easier and make other people happy.

Looks to be another hard day.  I’ve been trying to get the dancing started, but there seem to be things getting in the way.  It seems like I made grand gestures, feel vulnerable and scared and then run away.  I can see this pattern in about every area of my life.

 

portion and control

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In this phase of food mindfulness that I have moved into, I am noticing feelings.  Funny how exploring my relationship with emotional eating brings up emotions, actually it’s totally not funny.

According to my nutritional needs, I need 4 ounces of protein at dinner.  This is significantly less than I would normally choose to eat.  When food is love, more food is better.  Now it’s hard to look at my portion and feel like it’s enough, like I’ll be ok.  It’s always enough and I’m always ok.  But I feel a little deprived.

What makes it worse is that according to E’s nutritional needs, he needs 8 ounces of protein at dinner.  So, it’s hard to see him get twice what I get.  Men have different metabolic and nutritional needs.  This brings up fascinating feelings for me.

My logic and my reason look down at my emotions like they are a cry baby.  I try to move through the emotions and just have dinner.  But I remember hearing as a kid to make sure that dad gets the biggest piece.  I associated that with him being the head of the household.  The bible talks about honoring someone with the biggest and best cut that you have.  Now, being the youngest and female, I always got the smallest.

But in my family, portion is love.  Whoever gets more-gets more.  I remember one time my mom was pouring two glasses of wine: one for dad and one for her.  Mom bent down until she was level to make sure that the wine in the glasses was at exactly the same level. She was joking, but there are truths behind jokes.

It never really dawned on me until last week that men have different nutritional and caloric needs than women.  So, when I see E’s bigger portion, I have to recalibrate my brain a little and know that we are both making sure we get what we need.  He is not more loved, he is not better.  We do not need equal portions, that is one of the ways that I end up gaining weight and he doesn’t.

My logic and reason give my emotions a little squeeze around the shoulder and tell me that I will feel satisfied and everything will be ok.

dancing with myself

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Alrighty, I’ve had trouble finding words.  So, how do you blog if you are out of words?  I want to incorporate my weight struggle um journey um bullshit with people.  I want to express how movement and dance has helped me heal from a lot of my trauma.  What if I started documenting my body as it is, doing what it loves to do?  Am I ready to dance online?  It would be a new level of openness and vulnerability.  I could get made fun of.  I probably will because some people won’t understand why an overweight woman would dance on the internet.  Well fuck em.  I mean bless their hearts (I am trying to get used to living in the south) and I think those mean the same thing here.

Opening myself up to more healing, more vulnerability, more power, more ridicule, more everything.  I plan to shoot my first video on Friday with the help of E.  I have no idea how this will work out.

Will people understand dancing to express emotions?  Will people see that sacred movement can help you connect with your body and move through pain.  Or will they see a fat chick gyrating?  Will I be able to move past my fear enough to actually post it?

I guess we’ll find out.

Spiritual Self Abuse?

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A lot of veterans with PTSD can’t stop watching war movies.  It is very common for people with PTSD to have trouble avoiding media that involves the subject of their trauma.  If I see a documentary on cults or religion or bible history, I will watch it obsessively.  I can’t watch movies like “Passion of the Christ” because I can’t watch violence without becoming seriously upset inside for hours.  So, I generally stick to documentaries, etc.

This is compulsive behavior for me, and since I got dealt OCD from my PTSD and have been living in a lot of stress with a new job and no stuff…  It’s been acting up.  Like my eating disorder and trichotillomania (2 not 1 for those keeping track at home) have been acting up.  I’ve been really angry for this mess of wiring in my head, and I’m still hunting for a good fit in a therapist.

“Well, you’re in the Bible belt”, is something I hear a lot at work.  And I need to learn to not let my compulsions out of my mouth via words at work.  Because one of the most successful industries here is the “church industry”, and I have been tasked with a project involving the “church industry”.  I could have turned it down in the beginning, but I didn’t want to and I was so intrigued.  But it would have been the most self-loving thing to do.

While working on this project, it’s brought a lot of churchy energy around me.  People see me working with media and iconography.  I am really into it, because I am marketing to churches and I can’t wait to see if it works.  I am so fascinated by this challenge, you know and nauseated.  People come into my work space and talk and then they talk to me about their faith.  I should probably put up some kind of boundary, but I don’t because I am sickly fascinated by how every one of them has translated and integrated a book differently.  It’s so interesting.

Yesterday was a hard day though.  I got whistled at in the hall.  I believe this was meant as a compliment.  I almost lost my shit.  To me it feels like.  Don’t forget that someone is always watching you.  Even when you think you are alone in a hallway, someone is watching you and sexualizing you.  Don’t forget you are never safe.  I told my coworker and he said that was an awesome compliment and he wishes he would get whistled at.  So that sucked.  Yesterday when this coworker said, “well you’re in the Bible belt…”  I told him that I never wanted suspenders so bad.

Then when wrapping up phase 1 of my project (yay I get a break!!!).  Someone was talking to me about their beliefs and it was ok.  He’s an animated talker.  I was sitting, he was standing.  He was talking about how people think that god the father will punish us forever in hell.  Then he said, “would a father punish a child forever?”  When he said that he was moving his arm for dramatic effect, his arm was over my head and I was looking up.  This had the effect of making me very small feeling.  His arm was coming down repeatedly (like ten times) and his hand was in the exactly grip that Pastor’s was when he was holding the PVC pipe.

I didn’t cry.

I talked to him about his loving views.  He smiled and went away.  Defense systems passed the test and all was well.  I came home about 5 hours later and lost my shit.  It was a bad day at work.  I didn’t want to go to bed, because we can’t sleep together and I really wanted to snuggle up.  So I’m up after 4.5 hours sleep ready to bang out the last day of the work week.  Tired, fragile.

problems with authority 1

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You may not have noticed, but sometimes I have trouble with authority.  Most recently this played out with my personal trainer where she said, come in twice before our next appointment-do these things or “you’ll be punished”.  She couldn’t have been more playful when she said it.

I even wanted to come in.  But I swear that phrase triggered me and my “fuck you shoes” were glued to the floor and I couldn’t go.  I said about a thousand times, I need to go to the gym.  I wanted to go.  But I couldn’t get there.  Why couldn’t I just get off my ass?

I felt weak and dumb.  I didn’t feel like I was “rebelling”.  I just felt like there was a force field between me and there.  Like I couldn’t get there.  I realized that between doing something or taking a punishment, I will take my autonomy and their punishment every time just because I can.  To prove my freedom now.

But seriously, I’m 35.  They aren’t going to get me anymore.  Half of my brain knows that, if I hold my head to the side and smack it, will my lizard brain get it?   It gets exhausting trying to prove myself to them, especially since they aren’t there anymore.  And since what I was rebelling against was healthy for me and something I wanted.

This is one of the consequences of emotional and physical abuse.  Now that the SCARY is internalized the problems with authority and internalized and I have to be at the gym in 42 minutes explaining how we’re going to have to come up with different language so that I can get my ass to the gym while I work on the cobwebs in this new dark corner that’s been lit up for me.  And not feel like a jerk or a delicate flower or make her feel like a jerk.

two steps forward and one step back

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On my last exercise with my trainer in our last session, I got injured.  And I have spent almost all of the time since Feb 24th medicated and in bed.

I can’t make it through an entire shopping trip without having to wait in the car and rest.

I can’t sleep on my side or front.

I can’t have sex, there are work-arounds but since my mom is one of my readers my story is that I can’t have sex.

I can’t carry more than 10 pounds.

 

But one of the biggest bummers is that I can’t work out and my chiropractor says it’ll take a long time to get me to where I was when I had started.  And I had come a long way.  I had only lost 5 pounds, but I was getting my cheekbones back and strength.

I went to the ER and I don’t have a spinal or a disc injury, thank goodness.  I just have a really sprained back.  And as soon as I can, I need to start walking 20 minutes a day and working up to more.  And she my chiropractor gave me core exercises I  can do in bed, while I’m lying around.

My chiropractor, who is also a nutritionist suggested that I cut out all inflammatory foods and pretty much stick to meats and veggies while I am laying around and to drink a ton of water.  So, I am going to try to go back on the Fat Flush Diet which fits those criteria and is also limited in its calories during the beginning which should match up with my down time.  Because I am really blue about this and I am hoping that a food plan to focus on will make sure I don’t gain a bunch of weight.

 

(weight 118)

bullhorn (check) parachute (wait)

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I’ve noticed a pattern in my life.  I make a pretty big and grandiose announcement of something that my intuition and foresight knows that I need.  Great big announcement.

Such as this…

I’ve done all of this mental and emotional work.  Now I’m going to work on my physical….  I will call it project hotness.  It will be so great, etc…

It’s ok if you don’t remember.   I almost forgot too.  You see there was a lot of stuff going on.  And there was more emotional and mental stuff to do.  Oh and there was ice cream.  And other things.  But mostly ice cream.

So, this pattern of making giant declarations in my life and on the internet and then screaming, running away from them and doing the opposite for a while is maybe part of my process.  I really feel like I should feel really bad about it.  Probably because I do.  I feel like talking really loud will persuade myself into doing the right thing.

Life and some exquisite avoidance and rationalization happened and I don’t really fit into my clothes.  I know this feeling.  This head fuck.  This depression.  This hole.  I know this and I’ve got to get out.  Because I know where I am.  I’m just gaining and gaining.  And I know that I’m at that place at over 200 again.  Where if I blink I’m going to be at 250.  I was once 265, maybe 280 and if I get back to 250, I’m going to want to die.

One of the problems is that I can make a fantasy that it’s ok.  I get hit on a couple times a week.  My boyfriend has no change in desire for me with my body changes.  I feel sexy.  So, I can think that everythings ok, everything’s fine.  Except that it’s not.  And at this rate, I’m gonna be the sexiest corpse you’ve ever seen.

(But before I get all “Cabaret” about it… Let’s talk math)

I got a gym membership last week.  E and I were out and had been talking about joining a gym for a while, and I was attracted to the Gold’s Gym in Oakland because they’ve got daily dance classes and I’m a dancer.  It seems to really hold Oakland’s amazing energy and I love that.

Yesterday I got my fitness test…

weight:  221.5

body fat %: 41.7 (this number was so brutal)

lean body mass: 129 lbs

pounds of fat on my body: 92.5

I have 4 weight loss goals…

  1. drop to 199 pounds by April 1
  2. then 180
  3. then 160
  4. then 160 but with a different lean body to body fat ratio- I don’t remember now.

With my lean body mass and a healthy amount of body fat for a woman, I shouldn’t go under 155-160 because I am a sturdy girl.

We are working on a nutrition plan and I will be working with a personal trainer. And I have to hit the gym 5 times a week if I want to make my goals and get healthy.

I was told today to accentuate the positive.  But I think I’ve been doing that too much.  I don’t want my heart to explode.  That’s what the Pastor always told me would happen to my dad.  I always worried about my parents’ health.

What about mine?  All of a sudden, 35 doesn’t feel young.  It did on Sunday.  It’s funny, when I was so much thinner and a dancer all I worried about my looks.  Now I’m confident (maybe to the point of narcissistic about my looks) and I am worried about my health, about diabetes.

Spiritual and physical abuse isn’t the only pattern that needs to be broken.  It seems that I need to also work on the cycle of self harm through food, or perhaps consumption.  Putting stuff in my mouth to temporarily make me feel better or numb and get through the momentary pain or boredom.  It’s all part of my disassociative behavior.

It feels kinda good to tell you my numbers.  Liberating in a way.  Once I was at a business mixer and a woman told me that I was fatter than I was.  I asked, “what does that mean?”.  She realized what she said and looked embarrassed and then she said that I didn’t carry myself like someone who was so fat.

That always stuck with me.  Is it a compliment?  I don’t know.

FAT

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We are having a heart to heart.

So I thought.

She was telling me about a picture of a certain someone and a certain comment she regretted putting on their picture on Facebook.  “Wow, that comment’s a doozy.” I tell her.

I said, “She’s so gorgeous.  He you seen the pictures of her and E together?  They are adorable together they are such good friends.”  I confided that sometimes it’s hard when your boyfriend has a super hot, super thin, model-like friend.  When you are having some issues with your weight. I was feeling vulnerable.

I look up at her.  She looks up from her iPhone.  She says, “Speaking of fat! Have you seen the knew FatApp?  It’s hysterical!  OMG!  Here’s a picture of me, and here’s what I would look like if I was fat!  EW!  OK  Here’s my boyfriend!… And if he was fat!  Check it out!!!  And here’s my dog!!! LOL!”

It was a good chat.  I sure felt heard.