I’ve noticed a pattern in my life. I make a pretty big and grandiose announcement of something that my intuition and foresight knows that I need. Great big announcement.
Such as this…
I’ve done all of this mental and emotional work. Now I’m going to work on my physical…. I will call it project hotness. It will be so great, etc…
It’s ok if you don’t remember. I almost forgot too. You see there was a lot of stuff going on. And there was more emotional and mental stuff to do. Oh and there was ice cream. And other things. But mostly ice cream.
So, this pattern of making giant declarations in my life and on the internet and then screaming, running away from them and doing the opposite for a while is maybe part of my process. I really feel like I should feel really bad about it. Probably because I do. I feel like talking really loud will persuade myself into doing the right thing.
Life and some exquisite avoidance and rationalization happened and I don’t really fit into my clothes. I know this feeling. This head fuck. This depression. This hole. I know this and I’ve got to get out. Because I know where I am. I’m just gaining and gaining. And I know that I’m at that place at over 200 again. Where if I blink I’m going to be at 250. I was once 265, maybe 280 and if I get back to 250, I’m going to want to die.
One of the problems is that I can make a fantasy that it’s ok. I get hit on a couple times a week. My boyfriend has no change in desire for me with my body changes. I feel sexy. So, I can think that everythings ok, everything’s fine. Except that it’s not. And at this rate, I’m gonna be the sexiest corpse you’ve ever seen.
(But before I get all “Cabaret” about it… Let’s talk math)
I got a gym membership last week. E and I were out and had been talking about joining a gym for a while, and I was attracted to the Gold’s Gym in Oakland because they’ve got daily dance classes and I’m a dancer. It seems to really hold Oakland’s amazing energy and I love that.
Yesterday I got my fitness test…
body fat %: 41.7 (this number was so brutal)
lean body mass: 129 lbs
pounds of fat on my body: 92.5
I have 4 weight loss goals…
- drop to 199 pounds by April 1
- then 180
- then 160
- then 160 but with a different lean body to body fat ratio- I don’t remember now.
With my lean body mass and a healthy amount of body fat for a woman, I shouldn’t go under 155-160 because I am a sturdy girl.
We are working on a nutrition plan and I will be working with a personal trainer. And I have to hit the gym 5 times a week if I want to make my goals and get healthy.
I was told today to accentuate the positive. But I think I’ve been doing that too much. I don’t want my heart to explode. That’s what the Pastor always told me would happen to my dad. I always worried about my parents’ health.
What about mine? All of a sudden, 35 doesn’t feel young. It did on Sunday. It’s funny, when I was so much thinner and a dancer all I worried about my looks. Now I’m confident (maybe to the point of narcissistic about my looks) and I am worried about my health, about diabetes.
Spiritual and physical abuse isn’t the only pattern that needs to be broken. It seems that I need to also work on the cycle of self harm through food, or perhaps consumption. Putting stuff in my mouth to temporarily make me feel better or numb and get through the momentary pain or boredom. It’s all part of my disassociative behavior.
It feels kinda good to tell you my numbers. Liberating in a way. Once I was at a business mixer and a woman told me that I was fatter than I was. I asked, “what does that mean?”. She realized what she said and looked embarrassed and then she said that I didn’t carry myself like someone who was so fat.
That always stuck with me. Is it a compliment? I don’t know.